My silent battles

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@Flutterbug9 wrote:

@Blackcloud my personal thoughts and experience, ND or non ND therapist doesn’t necessarily make the only difference and/or benefits. For me, it’s the actual therapist, their approach to things and whether I feel they take the time to actively listen.

Im fairly sure my therapist is ND, makes no difference to me either way. My previous therapist believed that EMDR was the only option, never asked me my thoughts. At one stage only way I felt I could tell her things was in writing. The typed letter covered things of feeling I had zero say and if things continued (or happened again at any time), that I would no longer have appointments with her.

some differences with my current therapist include me having been asked my goals for therapy, being asked how things make me feel.

I have Telehealth appointment with psychiatrist on Monday. When I first mentioned having this appointment, my therapist asked if I would like her to write a letter to my psychiatrist before the appointment, I accepted the offer. I had no clear idea what things to be included in the letter though which I told my therapist each time we talked about the letter.

Tuesday this week I spent approx 2 hrs with my therapist. I would say something which prompted a question from my therapist and this went on and on. I’m still feeling the effects, both physically and emotionally. I don’t regret that length of time or the topics talked about.

as part of the conversation plus an email the following day, I have submitted my answers to DASS21, PCL-5, CAT-Q and ASRS.

sorry to hear you had issues with the new login process also. I also spent about a week unable to login whilst waiting for IT to help.

tuesday next week I’m back in hospital, day procedure only this time. Scans done at start of May show I have a small tear in a tendon in my right shoulder plus some arthritis. To help reduce some of the pain in the shoulder area I’ll be having Pulsed Radiofrequency Neurotomy in right shoulder, as recommended by my pain management doctor.

what is an “open book” exam?

think it’s fairly common the lose motivation with things in general due to the cold weather. Do you have favourites that you like to cook? What are thoughts on one pot cooking or cooking in bulk thus putting some in freezer for other days?

at one stage I used to work about 1hr from home. I got in a pattern that on alternate weekends I would cook shepherds pie and stew, enough that I always had few meals of each in the freezer. My late husband used to enjoy making homemade soup. Different vegetables at times, sometimes with pre diced steak

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hi @Flutterbug9 I haven't been up to responding on here as much lately as I used to be due to low capacity and needing some more time to process and respond. Your patience is very much appreciated as I may continue to late respond ❤️

Yeah I find that the more I seek out support in the community and the more I talk to a peer worker, that I don't find talking to a therapist to be that useful anymore. I just rather talk to someone who is willing to connect with me through similar lived experiences and can empathise with my emotional and mental pain. I did speak with a counsellor a few days ago and I think that session went ok but yeah I have planned on seeing a counsellor at least monthly because recently I came to realise that I don't need to see a counsellor often. Same goes for a psychologist.

I hope the procedure for your arthritis went well 🫂

so an 'open-book' exam is basically an exam where you can use any of the resources (like a textbook, any notes you've written etc.) whilst you're doing the exam basically. 😊

hmm in terms of any favourite things that I like to cook, I would say I like to cook the really simple stuff like eggs. the one pot cooking I can do that sometimes because everytime I use the pot to steam something, I would always have to wash it after and the pot itself is a bit heavy too haha - but same goes with the frying pan except the frying pan is a bit big to fit in the sink so I always have water splashing everywhere everytime I wash it 😅

ahh I don't cook in bulk as I'm unable to do that but lucky I have my mum that can do that and so whenever I go to her house to collect the cooked meals from her, I always put them straight into the freezer ready for me to eat at any other days. ☺️

@Flutterbug9 I have finally been able to read through and caught up.

Wondering how the pain management is now that it’s a week or few in?

Glad to hear the initial appointment with the new psychiatrist seemed to go well (if I read it right?) and that they booked you for a second appointment a week later. Wondering if you have had the second one, and if so whether that went well?

Fingers are crossed for you.

Interesting reading the post on OCD discussion. Your understanding of OCD vs anxiety or autistic obsessive also is similar to my own understanding, from what I have read or heard from my mum (who is a psychologist, but not an OCD specialist by any means). I know my brain often has obsessive focus or “its not ‘right’*, I need to fix it” discomfort/behaviours - but that they are quite autistic-traits for me, and in one case (obsessive/repetitive intrusive thoughts) a side-effect of my emotional-dissociation at times.

* ’right’ in this sense is not an objective right/wrong - it’s what doesn’t feel “right”, such as which way my clothes face on a clothes hanger, or which way the toilet roll sits.

@Flutterbug9 I have finally been able to read through and caught up.

Wondering how the pain management is now that it’s a week or few in?

Glad to hear the initial appointment with the new psychiatrist seemed to go well (if I read it right?) and that they booked you for a second appointment a week later. Wondering if you have had the second one, and if so whether that went well?

Fingers are crossed for you.

Interesting reading the post on OCD discussion. Your understanding of OCD vs anxiety or autistic obsessive also is similar to my own understanding, from what I have read or heard from my mum (who is a psychologist, but not an OCD specialist by any means). I know my brain often has obsessive focus or “its not ‘right’*, I need to fix it” discomfort/behaviours - but that they are quite autistic-traits for me, and in one case (obsessive/repetitive intrusive thoughts) a side-effect of my emotional-dissociation at times.

* ’right’ in this sense is not an objective right/wrong - it’s what doesn’t feel “right”, such as which way my clothes face on a clothes hanger, or which way the toilet roll sits.

@AlwaysMyself I saw your post on the ‘missing you’ thread, I have been suspecting for awhile your MH has not been good. Sorry to hear that is the case and the thoughts you are fighting. Atm I don’t know how often I’m going to be signing into the forums. Logged in tonight as saw you post on the other thread and wanted to touch base with you.

psychiatrist - I’ve had 2 appointments, have reduced dosage of med I was on by half (morning med) and am taking new med at night. Dosage of new med to increase mid next week. Next appointment late next month.

pain management - pain relief infusion has been partly successful, knew that could happen with any infusion. I’m struggling to do much walking especially when not using something for support. Day procedure into my right shoulder has been very successful. Review appointment for both procedures in couple weeks time after which I’m expecting to return to seeing my physio.

my OCD traits I feel are autistic linked. If I don’t do my ‘Must do’s’, my mind can’t settle. I’ve recently become aware how much time my Colour Must Do with doing laundry plus putting things away takes up. I had no idea until I vocalised with my psychologist full details of my Must Do’s.

with the current status of the forums and feeling they are in ‘grey/hazy status’ (ie unknown, uncertain), im feeling very unsettled. Currently feeling unsettled and on edge worrying about 2 relatives and their current health. Flashbacks have stopped, general nightmares and weird dreams still happening. Concerns for them weighing heavy on my mind and heart and have been for weeks.

Trial

@AlwaysMyself the posts pre new program are no longer in date order which has meant it’s impossible for me to view posts on here that I tagged you prior to this one.

fingers crossed all the computer errors have been fixed. I don’t know how often I’m going to be on the forums moving forward. Maybe once a week, maybe less than that.

between late May and mid June I was in hospital for planned items twice. During both times I became aware 2 cousins who are close to my age have serious health issues, one terminal. Processing the info generated flashbacks of people who died of same conditions. One cousin was recently found unconscious and spent few days in ICU prior to being transferred to oncology ward. If he will ever return home is unknown.

I have had 2 appointments with psychiatrist, next appointment toward end of this month. Psychiatrist has reduced the strength of med I’ve been taking by half plus has me taking a new med. New med taken at night, old med taken in the morning. Dosage of new med was half a tablet for xx days then full tablet. 9 nights on new med to date, 8 of which I had vivid, distorted (couple nights disturbing) dreams. No other side effects which is good. Feel I’ve gotten used to the med to some degree as not feeling drowsy during the day like I was.

ultrasound and X-rays were taken of my left shoulder and both hands last month with results having been viewable for approximately 2 weeks. My gp was supposed to have phoned me and hasn’t. I’ve had her staff book phone appointment, first available is next week. Friday next week I have review appointment with pain management dr.

Autism and ADHD assessments. 1) I’m going to be asking my psychologist about outcomes of the screening tests she asked me to do (plus what was on letter to psychiatrist). 2) at some stage in the future, no idea when, I’m going to get the assessments done. With combination of things I’ve had done at my place plus the various medical items, my savings has had a bite taken out of them. Wanting to build them up, concentrate on improving my health plus few essential things at my place first though.

Glad new posts onto old threads has been fixed - even if old posts are still out of order.

No worries re: how often online & times until replies. I don’t know myself how frequent or infrequent I will be online either. Or if I try to get on more often, it might be less-time-per-session.

I remember reading about one of the cousins - the one that was given a terminal diagnosis. I can only imagine how distressing that would be for you as triggering the past memories and emotions of going through that process of seeing people deteriorate, pass and then the grief of loss too. Sending you hugs. How are you feeling with it now? I hope your psych can help you process it and support you through the pain. And if I/we can here please let me know. Always willing to read (when I’m online) how its feeling for you, or however processing looks like for you.

The dreams sound unpleasant (unless vivid can also be a good thing when it’s a positive-topic/feeling dream? I’ve had some pretty weird dreams before that make me laugh when I remember them; not sure if that applies at all too). Do you/doc expect that the distorted & disturbing nature of the dreams will lesson as your body adjusts to the meds? I’m glad that otherwise there are no bad side effects, and that the morning-groggy is wearing off.

I remember taking one particular med in the past and quickly learning that I needed to change it to PM dosage because 2 hours after taking it I would start falling asleep (at work!). It did however improve my insomnia when taken at night - added bonus. I just had to ensure to take it early enough at night to not have the morning-groggy haze still. Sometimes some trial & error, and body adjustments.

Fingers crossed the new med helps with whatever aspect(s) it is designed to.

Hoping your GP appointment and pain doc review both go well this week & next. That is a shame the GP clinic didn’t notify you the results were in and to book an appointment to review the results (clinics I have been to often have a system that sends a “non-urgent recall” SMS to notify).

Was the infusion this time (so far) as beneficial as you found it last time do you think?

Sounds wise to pace yourself (mentally and financially) with prioritising what things to pursue first. Sometimes I wish I could do everything at once (get it out of the way, or sometimes I’ve had to due to deadlines or lead-times) and then I regret it as I feel overwhelmed by it all (which can include the financial-cost overwhelm too).

Nice to hear from you, I’ve missed you and our chats @AlwaysMyself you have been in my thoughts a lot recently. Im not long home, have taken new med plus in my unwind time following being in social setting.

it’s a lot of waiting and uncertainty with both my cousins, something my nervous system is struggling with. Text message or phone call from family member for either sets me into panic mode prior to knowing what is happening.

my psychiatrist was very nice and showed lots of empathy when talking to them. My psychologist has been away for few weeks hence they have zero knowledge. My next appointment with my psychologist is not for another couple of weeks.

only thing my psychiatrist mentioned about the new med is they will most likely make me tired. Google search has mentioned the dreams are common side effect and are linked to REM sleep. Next appointment with psychiatrist is end of this month and I will be mentioning the dreams then. Will dreams continue - Google says it usually depends of the dosage and is common when on low dosage. New med is aimed at increasing my REM sleep, helping me fall asleep quickly plus to increase my mood ie to give me feeling of true happiness.

variius things I find strange at my gp practice, all related to rules my gp has set. In short, my gp has too high workload and burns the candle at both ends. My gp is also palliative care dr who visits the palliative care patients prior to working in the gp clinic, this usually results in waiting for at least 1hr past booked appointment time.

From my perspective Infusion was not as successful this time as first time. From medical perspective, if there has been improvement of at least 40% it is deemed successful. I’m already looking forward to the next infusion though, any bit of benefit is a win.

will definitely be thinking of you tomorrow morning and wishing all goes well with return to work

@AlwaysMyself Im interested in hearing about how things go with your return to work. No rush and only what you are comfortable to share.

has there been discussion about trying some type of roster? Ie x number hrs, x number of days

this morning I finalised lease arrangements for small storage unit at self storage firm plus dropped off things to an op-shop. Some type of fault with train line operating system has led to crossing gates being down on all nearby railway crossings. With train line running through middle of where I live, it has made it very difficult to get around today.

ive grown tired of my semi-organised chaos in my garage, hence the storage unit. Haven’t done much in preparation of things to go to the unit but my shoulder says it’s been too much. Small 2 bedroom unit, I can’t sweep the floors without my shoulder saying I’ve done too much. One good thing, I’ve finally got my new blu-ray player connected and working. After seeing the horribly small item (not what I would call a bracket) that is supporting my tv, I’m going to have to contact a different handy person about having full size tv bracket installed. Item that is there atm is probable not much bigger than male sports abdominal guard.

have you been playing D & D recently? How are you dogs dealing with the wet weather? Do they ask to go for regular walks during the colder months or more content being couch potatoes? Have you done any ceramic painting recently?

@MissGremlin @Cuddlebear @Bunniekins @AlwaysMyself @AuntGlow

during my 2nd appointment with psychiatrist, mutual decision was made for me to reduce the med I’ve been taking by half plus to add in a new one. New one I take at night, other one I take in the morning.

Both psychiatrist and pharmacist said new med might make me feel sleepy and that I most likely will not need to take the OTC evening med I’ve been taking. Neither mentioned distorted dreams/nightmares. Google searches mentions vivid dreams are common when on low dosage.

what woke me early hours this morning screaming, in tears and sweating was definitely not a dream. I woke from vivid, distorted nightmare that, more than 12hrs later, I can still quite clearly remember.

have sent email to my psychiatrist this afternoon seeking information etc. my next appointment is not until end of this month. I’m anxious about thought of going to bed tonight.

one bit of possible good news. My cousin who is currently in oncology ward might be being discharged tomorrow after being in hospital for 2 weeks, first 3 days of which were in ICU