Family counselling

Hey @Dimity,

Being so proactive in seeking out family counselling is awesome to see! We imagine that having trauma impacting you and 3 generations of your family wouldn't have made seeking out support easy, so it's incredible to see you being proactive in your recovery journey.

I relate to what you have shared, as trauma has also impacted my family for generations. It can be difficult to know how to navigate that, and even harder when some family members aren't willing to seek out the help they need.

Hearing that some of your family members are willing to participate in family counselling sounds like this is going to be helpful for you all, and we hope you all find healing through this 🌿

Its a good modality @Dimity

They have a concept called the “ identified patient “ which can be a way the family dynamic permits a notion of normal and non functional members. Your situation is complex, so it may need skill and diplomacy. You should be respected in your authenticity. They are more aware of the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. In some clinical settings if all the focus is on the one person, then the real legitimate needs of other family members involved may be overlooked.

I hope it helps your family negotiate the difficult choppy conditions at the moment.

I did it in early 1990s for about 7 years, though some years it wasn’t often. I remain grateful, as they walked with me through the worst horrors around my brother’s death. and gave me sound concepts in which to decide how to parent, assessed my 3 children as fine. I doubt I would be alive without the contact. It was different in dealing with infants and small children, where yours is having adult conversations. I needed guidance as my own childhood circumstances had been so unusual and extreme so didn’t have a sufficient yardstick….

I hope your practitioner is skilled and diplomatic. I had 2, the director of a teaching organisation and a social worker as a partner. ( male and female for balance).

Thanks @Appleblossom that's encouraging. It's not finalised yet, I'm waiting to confirm appts etc.

I hadn't really thought about our intergenerational trauma until recounting forebears' sad stories to my counsellor the other day. I mean I hadn't grasped the extent. Same day a couple of anecdotes of my religious upbringing she pointed out were actually traumatic. Adding to my understanding.

Anyway I'm hoping the family counselling helps us move forward. If old angsts surface hopefully once they see the light of day we can air them, heal and move on.

I'm so glad for you that you had support and guidance during that extraordinarily difficult period when you were so vulnerable.

Looks as though it's not going to happen. It's all too hard.

Hey @Dimity

That's disappointing, I think it would be a difficult thing to get organised, though it sounds as though it definitely could be very worthwhile. Is it something you may explore a bit more in the future or are you feeling like it just might not be possible?

@Ru-bee it's very hard to find someone suitable and available. It looked promising but fell through. And now the current window of opportunity may be lost re family willingness to engage.

It's a messy complicated situation with each of us highly distressed.

@Appleblossom I was assertive yesterday in response to accusations anger and sniping I'd received over the previous few days. Quiet pleasant calm but assertive. I'm bracing myself for the aftermath. I made no demands just spoke my truth.

Just had someone expounding Mel Robbins Let them theory to me. I said it's not always ethical or compassionate to expect others to turn the other cheek, it's different if it's personal.They said they found Let them positive and common sense... and I couldn't understand why I felt so uncomfortable. I realise it must be my experience of trauma and abuse.

I haven't read the Robbins book so I may have misinterpreted. I do believe integrity demands resistance or action at times

@Appleblossom they've sent me https://youtu.be/ce1ACxrI6sc?feature=shared

A popular wellness influencer expounding on healthy relationships isn't easy to watch right now...

I'll leave it for another time.

I don't know how to respond to my friend who means well. But it was a tough week searching for a clinical psychologist experienced in family therapy modalities and trauma-informed. It just seems a completely different level.

@Dimity a few people in my singing group were complaining about the “Let them” trope or meme, last week. So you are not alone. I guess it has risen in the search engines and is dominating many conversations, and upsetting others. Bottom line, I am wary of pop pap, and influencers, trying to sell books or subscriptions. Maybe the saying can have some relevance some times, and be applied in some constructive ways, but I wasn’t impressed by the couple shorts I saw of Mel, It can be too easily used to dismiss, silence and avoid or bypass real issues, I just see real wisdom reduced to a byte,

I will read your second post and respond.

Preserve your right to authenticity.

@Dimity I only watched a couple minutes of the link. So just my quick response … mel is coming from her own controlling position. Good she is working on herself, but I disagree with her overly reductionist, 3 things we can control statement. I get why she is doing it, to work on separating our inner and outer worlds, but I disagree that humans can totally control what they think.

Essentially, I believe neuroscience and the environment does play a significant role in our thoughts. As a meditator and prayerful person for 60 years, I understand we can have SOME conscious influence on our thoughts, but only some. Psychosis, trauma and intrusive thoughts, and other conditioning can all by persistent. A sudden experience causing anxiety or anger, will tend to stimulate relevant thoughts, depending on the individual. Maybe, we can work to release our anger or overcome our fear, but the whole process is key, in my view.

I am not much into control, or discussing life purely in those terms. She just wants attention and money. There may be a few gems sprinkled amidst the interview, there are gems all over the place. I believe people will learn best or assimilate ideas from sources that resonate with them. If you are not in the mood. That’s fair enough. Anyway that’s what I know from studying education and counseling.

I really can’t justify over an hour of my time to watch Mel.

If you believe your friend means well, maybe thank her for meaning well, but say the link isn’t right for now.. or something. Sometimes, similar ideas don’t gell at one time, but ten years later may ring true in another context, and may have relevance. I truly believe each soul has its own path.

I have a lady in my life who currently is sending links, and giving advice, and I had to say something about not feeling she is my right spiritual advisor.

I also had a truly beautiful interaction with a retired minister during church service today. It felt coherent and relevant to my current social situation. He was not running today’s service, but had just done a funeral for someone connected to my other recorder community. I can take sustenance from others and felt privileged. I was actually the organist today, so had to keep my wits about me, while integrating the knowledge of a death, during the passing of peace. Luckily the next hymn had sufficient depth to help anchor me and the service went smoothly. We spoke and connected about it after.

Hoping you do find moments that help you navigate these times, in your way.

☀️🌛🌎❤️🦋🌷🍉🐬🍏