My silent battles

Hi @Flutterbug9 ,

It's good to be able to catch up on your posts to go through them.

Thank goodness for some good new at last!

It's good to hear that you have been busying yourself with activities throughout the week. Good on you!

And yes, I totally agree that model trains are an expensive hobby! Although I'm looking forward to seeing what you one day come up with.

What brought you to enjoy model trains?

@tyme @My earliest memories of model trains is when I was in mid primary school. One of my uncles, using a sheet of wood, had utilised an unused area to make area for his boys to run a model train. Intrigued me at that young age.

Over the years I’ve been to quite a lot of model train shows in various towns in my state. My hobby passion of my late husbands was model trains

Wow @Flutterbug9 .

When I used to work with kids, I would put down large sheets of paper and let the kids draw roads and stuff. They loved it!

And for you to have had the privilege of having model trains, that's phenomenal! Wow!

Thanks for sharing!

There is lots of things about me that people don’t know, hence the wording of my previous thread @tyme

Relates to part of chat with my psychologist today who, when I said people don’t know, ask why did I think that might be the case. At times it feels like people in general, not just on the forums, don’t want to know.

personal thoughts, the forums are good with help, support etc in relation to MH issues. So many other components of everyone’s life that are not known about.

eg memories from my early childhood, myself and various cousins receiving gifts at Christmas and Birthdays, of home made toys. Dolls houses, garages, blackboards, knitted toys

Slowly reading through from start of the thread @Flutterbug9 😊.

Appologies if i ask something you have already answered later in thread - i will try to edit post to remove questions if/when i see the answers later, so you dont have to repeat 🥰😇.

Re: first post images.

Yep. Its exhausting. Funny thing is i'm trying to learn to move back a bit from the self-reliance to learn when and who I *can* reach out to. But is also opens a big can of vulnerable worms if trying to express my needs and being ignored (not here! Face to face life!).

Sending hugs and sitting with you.

Re: supporting your relative

You are very caring 🥰.i can imagine that could also be very stressful for you and bring up a lot of feelings (even if subconscious too) around your mums death and anxiety.

(This may not be the case for you, but i can very much understand if it is)

Glad there was some good news this/last week @Flutterbug9 🥰 we all need that sometimes.

My "good news" feeling was being approved as eligible for the PAT trial (pending drug test next week - but i know i wont fail that lol). And feeling validated in the first-part of the autism assessment.

Re: your NB and autistic-traits processing.

Take all the time you need. Be gentle with yourself. 🤗. I know self-acceptance and self-realisation has been hard for a few of my friends too with things. I hope also though that through this process it can be a bit mentally freeing to know "its not your fault" or that you can finally be who YOU are, or other freeing feelings.

My personal philosophy? Its ok if someone doesnt like me, because I like me and i'd want to be friends with myself. And that's my own yardstick i measure myself to. If people dont like who i genuinely am, then its better for me (and them) to not be friends - just be acquaintences/civil at arms length 😇.

Im not sure if that perspective helps you, but sharing in case it does.

I accept YOU as YOU, whatever that is!

Re: psych

Hoping you have been or will be able to broach those 2 issues with them. I will keep reading to see if any further update!

I know how important it is for you to not have past issues repeated nd to be safe to speak up.

@Flutterbug9 hobbies can be so expensive eh! But good thing the trains can be gradually build (after the garden shed bought or space set aside lol) and expanded upon as you go over years I assume? Or best to have a full size area and lay out the full track initally, and then "fill in" the decorations after that over time?

I'm guessing you cant run the trains if the track isnt a complete loop 😆 and wondering whether making a bigger loop later is a bigger effort than just making it fullsize to start with. 🤔

Not staying at my sisters, she is south of my place. But she is also visiting where we are but staying separately.

The loungeroom has aircon and my mum moved her matress into it. The bedrooms only have ceiling fans. Mine is the furthest away. Some nights i cant get to sleep until after midnight because of the heat built up during the day, despite fans on high 24/7. Ah well. Here for another 3 nights, then one overnight on the drive home too somewhere. At least ita currently on the coast so sometimes it has a nice cool breeze outside.

Curious about the situation with your school reports - but dont expect you to explain (only if you want to). 😊. I'm curious who has copies of them for you and why?

(I assume the school wouldnt keep them from so long ago? Especially pre-digital era.)

I was lucky my mum has kept almost all my primary school books and also all my high school semester-reports (but not assessment pieces). I never knew i had comments around lack of focus, rushing, lack of detail (unless it was a special interest project), or such an amount of dyslexia lol. I thought i would have no adhd-traits. Plus clear preference for things like 1:1 discussion instead of group discussion or written mediums. Pretty sure i will be getting and ASD diagnosis 😅 and quite likely adhd too.

"chat with my psychologist today who, when I said people don’t know, ask why did I think that might be the case. At times it feels like people in general, not just on the forums, don’t want to know."

I relate to that a lot @Flutterbug9 . If people dont ask me, i dont tell them! I know its "my fault" then if i dont tell people (i accept that), but i also dont tell because i dont think people want to know! 😅 i literally said that to a friend last night that i dont ask/mention things because i dont think people will want to talk about it lol.

Its no wonder no doctor has ever picked up that im autistic until now, because they never asked me questions! 😅 i dont bring up topics about myself. Even with my counsellor whom i trust with anything now i find it so hard to raise a topic out of the blue -- and she is PAID to listen to me! 🤣

Not sure if that helps you feel less alone?

Are there things you'd like to be able to share about yourself that you havent or dont know how or think that people wont want to know about?

🥰

Oh, second thought re: psychs comment @Flutterbug9

I have realised (through similar questions from my counsellor, thinking of what my parents modelled, and also reading my primary school teachers comments) a lot of the reason i DONT tell people things (and keep it to myself, internalise) is because of early criticism and being told/modelled to be self-reliant.

Sitting with you @Flutterbug9 .

I'm hear for whenever you feel able to log on.

I hope you find ways to be kind to yourself.