FORUMS

Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

  • 47,612Members
  • 1,358,869Posts
  • 1,400,000Visitors
Shoulder to Shoulder: Veteran Families

I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73 Contributor

I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi,

I’m hoping that I will find some hope in this group.

My husband is a Veteran who served 32 years including overseas deployments in both war and peacekeeping zones.

He’s a been there done that Soldier. (I hope people understand)


I always told him that he would know when his time was up and one day he literally woke up with a near mental and physical breakdown so time was up.

Then came the huge admiration process of getting him home and the support team he needed to help with the transition process.


I ended up having to give up my employment to be with him for his appointments both physical and mental for which some are still ongoing weekly today.

He discharged officially about 4 years ago.

At first I was strong. I was a 30 years experienced teacher and qualified counsellor. Skills you may think would be helpful in supporting your husband through this difficult time.

Over the past 4 years I’ve been reduced to a quivering mess. I’ve lost confidence, have panic attacks, developed health complications (High BP, eye complications, issues with my type 1 diabetes and more)

He is obsessive about how things need to be done including what time things should occur and how long it should take.

if I go to the shops I get multiple messages, have a time frame calculated by him and then if I get home late it’s ww3.

i get called things that no woman should ever hear from a husband that loves her.

i am accused of being lazy and not domestic enough if the bed isn’t changed, washing washed and ironed and house cleaned all before his timings for each day.

i have had to rehome some of my beloved pets knowing that he wouldn’t take care of them when I was sick.

The worst thing that he has done is over night he went through my purse, removed my key/bank cards, car keys, gate opener for our driveway and house key. As we live in a rural area (due to him wanting/needing to be away from people) this effectively trapped me for several days until I could convince him to let me have them back.

Now he is telling me that because of my health issues I am toxic to him and he has given me until April to rectify a list of things or he said our marriage is over.

i know I am not the perfect wife. BUT I have stood by him and defended his behaviour when he does go out even to checkout operators for example who dare to pack the groceries wrong!
I manage to go back in and apologise profusely.


I am scared for both of our futures. I am committed to my marriage and I still love the man beneath the injuries.

Any encouragement here would be appreciated

Thanks for reaching.

28 replies

21 - 28 of 28
123

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73 Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing with me.

Tonight was particularly bad.

He threw things around making a huge mess of the house blaming me for everything.

He had had a lot to drink so I couldn’t even try and calm him.

i have been ill with pneumonia for the last 2 months and during his tirade I had a huge coughing fit and was struggling to breathe.

it scared me because he didn’t care.

He said he was sick of me being sick and was not going to live with it anymore.

He yelled at me he would call an ambulance but then said he didn’t know how.

we live in a remote rural location.

would have to wait over 2hours for an ambulance to arrive.

usually in a medical emergency you get in your car and drive with the ambulance meeting you at some point.

we do have helicopters but even they take an hour depending on what is available.

For the first time I felt scared I was going to die because of him.

I love my husband and don’t want to leave but I don’t want to die either.

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Pilih Casual Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Dear,

Veterans are entitled to psychiatrist consultation. Your husband needs a rehabilitation. If you can talk to him to seek help. Psychiatrist can prescribe him anti depressants to calm him down or whatever solution the psychiatrist can offer. But the first thing first is that he knows he needs a help. Professional help.

When this still doesn't help, you know your limit. If it's time for you to go, you know when. You look after yourself, dear. Your priority is You.

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

SunsetSunrise Moderator

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi @Blackfish73

It sounds like tonight has been particularly turbulent for you. It sounds like you've had to experience and process of some really unsettling reaction from your husband while you were coughing. I can imagine how scary it would be to hear your partner say those things and see him not really care while you're in need of help; You highlight some really real points around access to healthcare and emergency services and came to that sobering realisation of fearing for your life for the first time. I can hear how hopeless that situation feels. You've done so well to reach out. It takes so much strength to share these stories, I see you.

Are things okay for you now? Have they calmed down? I also wonder if you've been able to treat your pneumonia flare up? You deserve care and support always, but especially tonight.

I'm going to leave you a few resources and helplines you can call if you're ever feeling like you did tonight. You can reach out to 1800RESPECT, Lifeline, and Beyond Blue 24/7, 365 days a year.

Take care and stay safe

-SunsetSunrise

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Marjory New Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi @Blackfish73 ,

It is heartbreaking to know that you are so isolated and suffering in your abusive marriage.

I have been in a very similar marriage and it is awful. It is sad, but true that these men do not get better, just worse.

If you want to educate yourself on domestic violence and coercive control, you will find that you are not alone at all. It is stunning how similar the patterns are and the choices of behaviour that all abusers make to deliberately maintain control. Whatever it is that you want for yourself, make small steps in that direction. I left because I didn't want to die and I thought if I stayed i would. I had 2 small children and I didn't want them to grow up seeing their mother treated that way. I didn't get a lot of help & some people treated me appallingly including people who were in role that were supposed to be supportive. Only you have control over your own behaviour & he is the only person in control of his, but when you are abused, a lot of your "choices" are made to keep yourself safe and that is just living in survival mode. I hope you can find some time to just be you and find some people that are your people. 😊

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Golden_Songbird New Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi Blackfish,

I have just come across your post and I am very grateful you wrote it. I too am married to an ex serviceman and I totally understand what you are going through. It's like he never left the military with strict routines and barking orders expecting them to be done asap. However, you and I are not soldiers, we are humans with feelings and opinions.

I have found getting therapy for myself has been helpful for coping strategies. I definitely recommend it. I have learnt alot about setting boundaries of what I will accept, I am still learning. I have found building my own network of support people has helped too. Hope this helps, all the best.

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Salud New Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

I don't have a story that matches yours — my own marriage struggles look nothing like what you're carrying — but I recognise the shape of it. The slow way you stop noticing you've disappeared a little more each year, because there's always someone else's crisis that feels more urgent than your own, (this has been my relationship with a veteran to various mental health conditions and alcoholism).

What stayed with me reading your post was your health. High BP, your eyes, your type 1 control slipping — those aren't separate from everything else you described, they're your body sending you the bill for years of walking on eggshells. You spent thirty years as a teacher and a counsellor pouring yourself into other people, and I wonder when someone last asked how you're actually doing, underneath being "the strong one."

You don't have to have it all figured out — whether to stay, how did it go in April?

Loving him doesn't require you to run yourself into the ground doing it. Please keep seeing your own doctor, not just his appointments. Let someone check in on you the way you check in on everyone else.

You've clearly got so much strength in you — it's just been pointed outward for a long time. I hope you find a way to turn a little of it back toward yourself. Sending you real encouragement.

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Lightning2025 New Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

I see this was a little while ago, how are things now are you ok?

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

abandoned66 New Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi Blackfish73

I've been through a similar situation but not as abusive as yours.

I supported my husband through his breakdown and physical ailments. I supported him financially, emotionally and physically through it all. He now has gold card and TPI. He could never be there for me through any health or emotional issues. I lost touch with myself trying to support and be everything he wanted. Earlier this year he decided to end our marriage over the phone. I was devestated. I knew he couldn't support me when I had anything going on but it was still a shock.

Open Arms have ended my counselling and DVA will only help me for a short time. Long term I'll need to go back to work only 2 years short of retirement.

I'm concerned for your safety. I can only offer emotional support from afar.

Do you have any family or friends that can help? I hope for better for you but you may need to leave on your own terms and set yourself up for a new future. Do not expect any compassion from DVA sadly. There doesn't seem to be much support for the partners who have suffered through it.

Please feel free to reach out at any time. I am a teacher and counsellor too but it's not much help to yourself when you are deep in the situation.

Please take care and let us know you are ok.

21 - 28 of 28
123

Powered by

SANE Forums is published by SANE with funding from the Australian Government Department of Health.

SANE Forums does not provide crisis support.
If you need immediate assistance, please see available crisis services.

Learn more about SANE and SANE services at sane.org