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Shoulder to Shoulder: Veteran Families

I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73 Contributor

I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi,

I’m hoping that I will find some hope in this group.

My husband is a Veteran who served 32 years including overseas deployments in both war and peacekeeping zones.

He’s a been there done that Soldier. (I hope people understand)


I always told him that he would know when his time was up and one day he literally woke up with a near mental and physical breakdown so time was up.

Then came the huge admiration process of getting him home and the support team he needed to help with the transition process.


I ended up having to give up my employment to be with him for his appointments both physical and mental for which some are still ongoing weekly today.

He discharged officially about 4 years ago.

At first I was strong. I was a 30 years experienced teacher and qualified counsellor. Skills you may think would be helpful in supporting your husband through this difficult time.

Over the past 4 years I’ve been reduced to a quivering mess. I’ve lost confidence, have panic attacks, developed health complications (High BP, eye complications, issues with my type 1 diabetes and more)

He is obsessive about how things need to be done including what time things should occur and how long it should take.

if I go to the shops I get multiple messages, have a time frame calculated by him and then if I get home late it’s ww3.

i get called things that no woman should ever hear from a husband that loves her.

i am accused of being lazy and not domestic enough if the bed isn’t changed, washing washed and ironed and house cleaned all before his timings for each day.

i have had to rehome some of my beloved pets knowing that he wouldn’t take care of them when I was sick.

The worst thing that he has done is over night he went through my purse, removed my key/bank cards, car keys, gate opener for our driveway and house key. As we live in a rural area (due to him wanting/needing to be away from people) this effectively trapped me for several days until I could convince him to let me have them back.

Now he is telling me that because of my health issues I am toxic to him and he has given me until April to rectify a list of things or he said our marriage is over.

i know I am not the perfect wife. BUT I have stood by him and defended his behaviour when he does go out even to checkout operators for example who dare to pack the groceries wrong!
I manage to go back in and apologise profusely.


I am scared for both of our futures. I am committed to my marriage and I still love the man beneath the injuries.

Any encouragement here would be appreciated

Thanks for reaching.

28 replies

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In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

NightHedgehog Moderator

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hello @Blackfish73

Welcome! Great to see you reaching out for some support from the forums, you have done really well to open up and share some of what you are going through at the moment. I’m sure the other sane members will be able to offer you some support and insight soon

It sounds like you have a lot going on physically and emotionally! To be managing your own physical health issues alongside the physical and mental health of your husband is a lot on your shoulders. I can hear how much you have put into the last four years, and how painful it has been to see your husband acting this way while still being able to see and love the man beneath the injuries. Having our own experience in counselling also unfortunately doesn’t make us immune to struggles (although maybe lets us at least recognise that things are not ok when they are not).

It sounds like your husband has access to some supports which is fantastic, hopefully he is able to lean into those and share what is going on so they can support him. But some of the things you have shared happening are really concerning, and it’s very important that you also have some supports that you can talk to. If you haven’t already, I really encourage you to talk to your GP or find a mental health support that you are comfortable with to talk to about this. You don’t have to manage all this alone! Perhaps marriage counsellor might also be an option if you are both open to it since he has set out some issues he feels are currently in the relationship. For now, I will leave some resources below that might be a helpful starting place if you are not already aware:

Open arms: https://www.openarms.gov.au/
Partners of Veterans Association: https://www.pva.org.au/

1800Respect: https://1800respect.org.au/

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73 Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Thanks. I have already tried but resources are very limited here in rural Tas

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73 Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Sorry

Maybe this isn’t the right place to seek support as I haven’t had any other members respond.

Should I delete my post?

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Forest_Fairy Senior Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Hi @Blackfish73,

It's entirely up to you if you want to delete your post or keep it.

Sometimes it can take time for others to find/read/and respond to posts but rest assured you are in the right place.

Sharing is hard, being vulnerable can be scary and I think you've been really brave in opening up.

Forest_Fairy

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Oaktree Senior Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

@Blackfish73

Hi and welcome to the forums.

What you are going through sounds extremely complicated and difficult. Taking away your keys and cards is a very controlling manoeuvre. Even limiting your time at the shops sounds quite controlling. I wonder if he lets you have time with friends. I come from a family that experienced domestic violence and controlling behaviour is often the start of something more?

I wonder if you would be able to get counseling via the phone or by telehealth?

I hear that you are struggling under the weight of caring for a man you love deeply who has forgotten who he is. I really hope that this situation will improve soon. Sorry it took me so long to respond.

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73 Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Thank you for listening/reading my post.
Yes I will have to book in some phone counselling but will have to be somewhere else to do it as he will only try and “listen” or question or make loud noises.

I guess I need to clarify my heading a bit more by saying these are professionals that are telling me I need to give leaving a real consideration.

I was just hoping that there may be someone here that has been able to hold on through something like this and things got better?

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Oaktree Senior Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

@Blackfish73

Sorry hun, I have not been in your situation. It would be a very difficult decision to leave but it may be headed that way anyway with the ultimatum he gave you. I don’t really have any advice to offer but I wish you all the best. Maybe someone else here can help. I will tag a few members.


@ccau_82 @Magpie22 @Breakfast68 @Shaz51 @BecomingOkay

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73 Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Thanks ❤️

I am really not wanting to leave but as you said it may not be a choice.
If I things break down are there any supports available to help with sorting through legal stuff in particular financial issues.
I am currently on the DVA pension which pays very little but helps with my medications.

In response to: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

BecomingOkay Peer Guide

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

@Blackfish73 What you shared took an incredible amount of courage. I want you to know that I hear you, and I believe you. You have stood by your husband through unimaginable challenges, and nothing about that makes you weak — it speaks to your loyalty, compassion, and strength. At the same time, what you’re describing sounds deeply painful and frightening, and none of it is your fault. Supporting a wounded veteran does not mean you deserve to be controlled, degraded, or made to feel unsafe.

It also makes complete sense that after carrying this for so long, your own health has suffered. Caregivers don’t break because they’re incapable — they break because they’ve been carrying too much, for too long, often without enough support. Loving the man beneath the injuries is real, and so is your fear for both of your futures. Those two truths can exist at the same time. You are not failing as a wife because you are struggling — you are human.

I want to be honest and say that I haven’t lived through this exact situation. However, I have loved a partner who was struggling deeply — in my case with alcoholism — and I know what it’s like to give everything you have, to care fiercely, and to slowly lose yourself in the process. Even when that care comes from love, it doesn’t always get met with safety, stability, or kindness, and that can be incredibly isolating and confusing.

You deserve support too. You deserve safety, dignity, and care just as much as he does. I hope you can keep reaching out, because you do not have to face this alone. You matter.

In response to: Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

Blackfish73 Contributor

Re: I’m being told to give up on my marriage for my own health but don’t know what to do.

@BecomingOkay Thank you for hearing and believing me. I actually released a big breath when I read your reply!
I had forgotten how it felt to have someone say that they believed what I am going through.
Thank you ❤️
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