TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Hey @AlwaysMyself ,

Sounds like there's a lot happening tonight even though you've had a pretty pleasant day.

I wonder if that energy you used up today causes you to feel more 'spent' that other times?

I'm guessing that nothing in particular happened for you to feel this way and that's why it is more confusing?

Yeah, I suspect there is an element to the energy-usage @tyme . I recall that was a big issue as a youth when being out in groups/crowds - and a reason I tend not go to large-group things. But usually doesnt happen from a day with 1:1 interactions and solo-work. 🤔

🤣 deepening friendships with acquaintances is now depressing too??? 🤣🤣 at least I can see the humour and irony in that.

I should be back to normal again tomorrow im sure. Just sucks for tonight. A few more hours and maybe i'll be sleepy. 😏 just got to keep myself from spiralling until then.

@Cuddlebear dont feel you have to read. Just tagging in case you want to. This is my thread, but note the TW. For this reason I normally would never tag someone in it unless they find and comment in it themselves.

It is 100% fine if you don't read. Its not a topic many are willing or able to discuss i suspect.

@AlwaysMyself Firstly I want to thank you for being so honest on the forums about how you experience SI even when you are not feeling distressed. It shows that you are a very strong person who is looking to find ways that will help. I am so glad that you are able to reach out to friends/family when you are distressed and experiencing SI. That is truly a huge thing to do and I’m grateful you have the ability to do it. I’m certain those people don’t find it a burden and love you and much prefer you are alive and able to be supported.

People do experience a lot of shame about feelings around SI and there’s a lot of stigma and harm done by the mental health system. I hate those help lines to be honest. I don’t find them helpful and I’m sick of the MH surveys and crisis responses. This is because they don’t meet the actual needs I have at the time. This was especially so when my mum passed away.

My beautiful mum died by suicide. It completely changed my life. It was a devastating shock. I already had complex PTSD and anxiety but mums passing completely broke me and I now also have chronic depression. More recently I’ve experienced SI which horrifies me and this is the first place I’ve ever admitted it. I’ve told no one. What keeps me going is knowing the impact it would have on my own daughter, the fact I want to be here for her and the bit of hope that I hold that I can get better. I believe we can get better.

To be honest from all my research and just to note I am not an expert on this at all. Nonetheless, From my own reading a lot of it stems from trauma coupled with chronic depression but it is not just those things. Many mental health conditions can invoke SI. The brain can be changed by experiencing mental illness too and this can activate SI. Our neural and emotional systems may need to be treated. We can also re-train our brains with decent neuropsychology support for example quality psychotherapy. Medicine can also play a role for some people however on its own it might not make you feel better and may not change the way our brain is thinking. There is very little research in this area. A lot of is it medical model medicine which frankly is not enough.

It is ok to experience SI and is a natural response to feeling depressed especially when it is of a long duration. However, when we are provided the quality on going support we need we can experience joy and happiness. We can find purpose in life. We can feel that life is worth living.

@AlwaysMyself I’ve just finished a response after reading through the thread here. How are you feeling today? I notice a couple of days ago you were feeling SI and feeling distressed after you got home from work.

Thanks @Cuddlebear , I appreciate it. Im sorry that your mum passed, and the shock that must have been, and how it affected you. Knowing the impact it would have on my family is a big thing for me too; I never want to cause others pain (unless it is temporary for growth). And my 2 dogs, because I I they would not get nearly as much care or attention if I wasnt around as my partner would forget and too focused on his own leisure activities. I'm glad and encouraged that you feel safe enough to mention your thoughts for the first time. That's huge! Im glad you have hope still, and care so much for your daughter and how much you mean to her.

I've been on medication for 19 years (the current one for 15 years), and my recent psychiatrist review didnt suggest to try a different/newer one. I have physical pain and fatigue too, which is why the specific one was chosen. Many years ago my psych prescribed some anti-psych/OCD meds when my mind would have SI going around like a carousel, and it would help stop the thoughts (and everything else lol, I understood why people say they feel like a Zombie on it!) After 1-2 months on a low dose. So my Gp and I tried that again last year, but alas did not help. If it keeps going for too long i'll chat to GP about trying it again at a higher dose to see if it can break the cycle.

I still think about it each day, but today hasn't been constant which is nice. I've been able to do other things without it coming to mind, and its not always coming to mind ever time I am not focused/distracted. My non-work days are usually harder due to less focus/distractions - which makes it really hard when work issues cause emotional distress triggers, because it can be a choice between keeping my mind distracted but exposed to harmful exacerbations, or taking time off but needing to somehow keep myself safe while I do. Thankfully I was recently able to take a week off as someone was available to be at home with me.

I would like to find a good counsellor/social-worker/psychologist who specialised in chronic SI or the effects/impact of chronic depression from a young age, but I haven't been able to find one with a depth of experience in it mentioned. I might have to email around a few who sound otherwise-good and ask specifically. But paying $200/session out of pocket (after Medicare, let alone once 10 sessions end!) I would want someone who can actually give some new ideas or support to improve things, not just maintain status quo.

I've come a long way since I was a teenager. And im glad for the thing ive learned through that process. I used to be ashamed of having depression and had it because of that. But im not ashamed anymore, I hide it because its not socially-acceptable to show and most people dont want to know. But being able to tell people who are also experiencing difficulties has been really powerful for friends even when I was a teenager, because they didnt feel alone or judged. I think that helped me not be ashamed of it because I knew it could have a silver lining.

@AlwaysMyself Medication can be very helpful and calm the edge off. It can be hard to find the right one but it sounds like the one you are on for 15 years is helping especially considering you experience fatigue and physical pain? What is the cause of physical pain? I presume fatigue comes from MH and possibly a side effect of medication too? Absolutely reach out to the GP is you think a higher dose of the other one is needed and/or worth a try. I hear you re Zombie. The first medication I tried years ago I felt like a Zombie and I didn’t enjoy it much. Got off it quickly because was on low dose for very short period then tried another one an SSRI which had helped. I’m not sure though how well it is working now. There is a place for medication but on it’s own it is n my experience not as effective when coupled with psychotherapy. I wish I could afford psychotherapy with an experienced psychiatrist.

Im not sure if you’ve looked at University academics who also do therapy / have private practice? You could google and see who’s done decent research in the area and see where they are based? If they also have private practice you could potentially reach out. By looking at their research you can assess whether they might have the skills you are looking for. I think most MH professionals do not have the skills or knowledge on what works so finding the right professional is fraught with difficulty. But I’m sure they exist.

I actually read an article in the news today about some new research done by an academic and someone with lived experience who’s also an academic on SI. I’m yet to access the research but the article was interesting. Here’s a copy of that article below. It’s free as on ABC news online. It discusses Australia’s suicide strategy and what needs to change. However the full research they’ve done will be more in depth. The research focuses on lived experience in developing strategies and responses however there is some insight on what people with SI also need.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-08-02/national-suicide-strategy-samantha-mcintosh-anton-isaacs/105601504

You are really a very caring person and I just love that about you. I can certainly say that the impact of someone you love dying by suicide is catastrophic. I’m really glad and encouraged that you consider your loved ones and also your two fur babies who need and love you very much. I love dogs. They’re just the most kindred souls.

I think you mentioned gut health in an earlier post. This is something I’m considering and trying to learn more about. It does seem to have some success and it doesn’t do any harm eating in a healthy way. Also, did you catch Australian Story this week? It’s about a lady who had Bipolar and used poop for treatment. Do not do this on your own though it can have terrible outcomes. There are now medical trials re healthy poop being given. I know it sounds yucky lol but it’s worth watching the episode.

I am glad that today has provided distraction for you. I hope that the chats here have helped and relieved some of the thoughts. I find the same thing when I do actually go out I feel better than when I’m stuck at home alone. I really do wish I wasn’t blind so I could drive and just go out when I wanted and to wherever I wanted too. I am however grateful thwt my seeing guide dog does get me out and that he’s with me. I have so much more confidence to leave the house with him at my side. We literally go everywhere together and the nice thing is people stop me to say hello and admire him so I get some social interaction too.

@AlwaysMyself Yes, whether it’s a cognitive habit or a neural habit may be not worth the delving into brain circuitry to discover. Both may be valid. Maybe it takes a long time of no distress, for such thoughts to fully recede.

I have gotten used to distinguishing levels of passive to active SI. There many contributing factors, from despair, to lack of meaning or poor quality of life, to mental habits. I have worked hard through my music practice to lay down new creative patterns and hope brain plasticity comes to the fore, but sadly I think the level of trauma I experienced means it may be with me for life…. However long that lasts.

Hi @AlwaysMyself I am just wondering if it might be helpful or not if I joined this thread. I don't want to intrude on anyone's space.

I have been away from the forums a little and too ill to interact earlier when I saw the first post, sorry about that. I have some similar experiences, but understand if you would rather not include me in the chat

@Cuddlebear

@Till23 @It’s so good to have you back. @AlwaysMyself Is very likely to be very open to hearing your experiences but obviously I can’t speak for them.

It’s an open thread too and while a heavy topic it’s such an important one. It’s one where talking about it is so hard while at the same time desperately needed. This is the only place I’ve found where you can really open up and it’s so healthy to do so when you can.