Struggling with shame/ staying present

Hey guys. I’ve recently hit over a year sober and my life has never been better. My girlfriend and I got back together and are healthier than ever and I’m so grateful she’s in my life and to be in hers. My career is going really well (albeit stressful) and my friendships are fulfilling. I can’t however stop ruminating on the past. I lost someone really important to me because I mistreated them for many years when I was severely mentally ill. I had just left an abusive childhood and was isolated and he was the main person I was close to. I hurt him very badly many times. I was paranoid, psychotic and mean. I was abusing substances. I went in and out of being a terrible friend. It was traumatising for him. There were times he also was not good to me but I can’t remember very well. I know he used to insult me and control me a bit - say what I should and shouldn’t say/ wear/ listen to. He became the person I relied on most. I ended up really resenting him because I didn’t trust anyone would be a safe person and I became unsafe myself. It haunts me that I was such a volatile, chaotic and abusive person for many years. I was hospitalised multiple times and I eventually found my footing and have been rebuilding my life. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I feel like every story I hear about abuse / people don’t talk about becoming like I did. It makes me feel like there’s something terribly wrong with me. I became so angry and full of rage. I feel isolated from a lot of trauma recovery spaces because of my history of being abusive as a result of my own abuse (nothing excuses it I’m just saying it like this because that’s how it happened). I’ve made amends everywhere I can and I’m proud of how far I’ve come and of how much of a good friend and partner I am now. I feel more like myself like when I was a young child before everything became terrifying. I think about death every day and I feel like the ways that life is showing me it’s worth living and beautiful, there is a big part of me that feels like I don’t deserve it. My mother abused me and I know she feels like this too. I don’t really know why I’m posting here I think I just feel incredibly alone and as an autistic person with very strong morals and a sense of justice (ironic I know) I am struggling with the dissonance that exists inside me.