Struggling

20 months ago my relationship of 4 years ended. The breakup was triggered by an intervention by her mother and was sudden. My ex didn’t defend my character from her mother‘s verbal attacks that day. I was hurt, angry and confused and the conversation between the two of us afterwards broke our relationship, and my ex would never see or speak to me again.

That it had come from her mother at a time when we were about to move into a bigger home and try for children, and 3 weeks from a marriage proposal, made our story seem stuck in time, and a state of unreality hit me which has made accepting the breakup extremely difficult.

I am no stranger to loss in my life and had always found means to create my own closure, largely through symbolic acts, but this has been the most difficult of all. Tremendous grief saw me act in ugly ways towards those around me, and every additional friendship and relationship that ended compounded the core loss of my partner. Its been endlessly re-traumatising.

I feel very much still connected to my ex just without her physical presence. I can see her in my mind and feel an embodiment of her spirit in my heart. I am terrified of time taking more of her away from me, through fading memories. I want to keep her close so I hang on tightly, unwilling to let go. I’ve cried oceans of tears daily and I’m in a near constant state of emotional overwhelm. Sleep is near impossible, and in the little I get I always dream of her, which makes waking up to my sad lonely reality devastating.

I’ve tried a lot of things: all the things they recommend you do after a breakup, too many to name here. I thought that time would ease the hurt and I could find peace with the love that I’d always feel towards her. I did and am doing a lot of different types of therapy but all it’s done is load me with more articulate self analysing dialogue to give to the next therapist. Ive became completely absorbed in my breakup journey, the breakup pain has become my identity. Misery got deep into my bones and has started to affect my physical health.

I’ve self harmed on occasion in times of distress, hitting myself in the head. Suicidality has come and gone but I can never completely override my survival instinct.

I’ve found it difficult to function, find work and keep work. I’m an absolute wreck, all of the time. All the methods of grounding I’ve learned in therapy could not counter the intense waves that wracked my nervous system. I felt like I was losing my mind.

All attempts to explain this to others post the initial 6 month period were met with disbelief and the opposite of empathy. They became exhausted, dismissive, impatient and angry - I became defensive of my own personal timeline on the grief and with that came alienation.

There has been retraumatisation of childhood trauma.

I’ve just been on the phone to griefline and after waiting 45 mins on hold the lady hung up on me after I had a small emotion reaction to something she said. I’m wondering if anyone knows any grief specific other helplines where I can talk to someone outside of mensline, beyond blue and lifeline?

Thanks for reading