Still struggling 2 years after separation

Have you been to mediation @Gemini82 ? This would be a good supported place for you to request these things.

been separated about 8yrs here and have a now 10yr old daughter. We only really communicate via messenger and thankfully he still always confirms things with me, but I 100% absolutely relate to the unease you experience when having to communicate with him. I get extremely anxious and on edge, it’s not as bad as it use to be. But I do dread it. Do you know what the unpleasant feelings are linked to it? For me it was a lot of fear around him not returning my daughter, something happening to her cause of his lack of parenting skills and court action.

Hi @Gemini82

I experienced a hostile ex who would only swear at me any time there was contact and tell stories about me to friends and family that were not true. Her attitude and the opinion of others were not within my control. What was in my control was to avoid communication and go silent when the swearing started, live authentically and calmly by my values, and role model a different approach to my children.

Thanks for replying @Bow. I don't think he would agree to mediation. I think my negative feelings are linked to my anxiety and that our communication went to pretty much non existent when my daughter and I had to move several hours away.

Sorry to hear that Radder. I guess I'm struggling to understand why he can't communicate with me.

Only he knows for sure @Gemini82. Unfortunately, you may never know why, or what he is thinking, adjusting to or possibly struggling with. That's beyond your control. All that is within your control is how you live your own life and raise your daughter going forward in the absence of communication. It's not ideal, but perhaps this will change over time (in my case, it's still the same after 25 years later).

Have you been able to reflect of what's behind the emotion (and consequent physical reaction) you experience when in contact with him? It may be useful to seek counselling to unpack that and learn some strategies to facilitate necessary communications in a way that doesn't impact you.

Honestly, I think my reaction comes from the fact that deep down I know I'm never going to get an explanation. I have considered counselling but I'm not sure where to look.

Hi @Gemini82,

It sounds like you are self-aware and realise there are deeper reactions to unpack, possibly including grieving the loss of relationship/expected future and your own sense of self.

In my experience, counselling options generally fall into these categories:

1/ Private counsellor (possibly a grief counsellor)

o ACA: https://theaca.net.au/find-a-counsellor/

o PACFA: https://pacfa.org.au/portal/portal/Find-a-Therapist/Find-A-Therapist.aspx

2/ See your G.P. for a mental health plan referral to a psychologist.

o Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/counselling

The main thing is you need to "click" with your therapist. If you don't, try another.