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Managing relationships

wanting to build a relationship with my estranged nieces

sol_87 Senior Contributor

wanting to build a relationship with my estranged nieces

i have spent the past twenty three years afraid to reach out to my nieces, distracted by work and money, an online relationship and mental illness.

i didn't reach out to my nieces very often, i wanted to, and felt I wasn't allowed to, or at other times was distracted by life and now they are 23 and have kids. neither of them are talking to me. i get an occasional text in reply, but one niece didn't invite me to their baby shower and even though she told my mum (their grand mother) about a trip overseas for their daughter's birthday but when i texted to ask for details she didn't text back. So I am guessing I am not invited, even though she told my mum that it would be nice if I could come.

i am in so much pain and i can't 'get over it' because they are family. i am not close to any of my extended family and only occasionally talk to one aunt, which is partially how this pattern has repeated. my dad never reached out to me until a couple of years ago. and my brother never wanted me to be friends with their mother which makes me uncomfortable at family gatherings because i feel like i am not allowed to chat with anyone. i just feel so sad.

the fact that i have an episodic mental illness that i think frightens them doesn't help.

AI says that it will take years of no pressure, light messages to build the relationships. I am interested to know what you think I should do to rebuild the relationship. The fact that I am afraid of my brother and their family gatherings is not resolved.

I would actually like to build relationships with all my distant extended family. My nieces feel like the relationships that hurt the most, but perhaps this low pressure reaching it out is what i need to do to all my extended family. what do you think?

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In response to: wanting to build a relationship with my estranged nieces

Ainjoule Senior Contributor

Re: wanting to build a relationship with my estranged nieces

Hey @sol_87

In the past I didn't have a close relationship with my aunts, but after I had a spinal injury I began reaching out to them, and they were surprisingly receptive. These days I talk to most of my aunts every day.

I'm not suggesting your family will respond the same way, because none of us can know that. I just wanted to say that sometimes relationships can be repaired. Not everyone in my family was receptive. Some of my siblings weren't, and I respected those boundaries. But I would never have known what was possible if I hadn't reached out.

When I first reconnected with my aunts, I kept things light and fun, and over time the relationships naturally grew from there.

Personally, I think the low pressure approach is probably a good one. If years have gone by with limited contact, it will likely take time for everyone to feel comfortable again. I really hope your family are receptive to your efforts. I also understand how painful it can be to feel somewhat estranged from family.

In response to: wanting to build a relationship with my estranged nieces

sol_87 Senior Contributor

Re: wanting to build a relationship with my estranged nieces

Thanks for your thoughts. I am happy to hear you were able to rebuild the relationship with your aunties.

It is good to hear that you agree with the idea of keeping things light and low-key. I am friends with one of my nieces on Instagram, and she looks at my stories so perhaps I should keep that light and fun with mainly comedy too. :-)

I appreciate your input so much.Thanks again. All the best!

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