Advocacy for Families of ageing Veterans

I’m mid fifties, oldest daughter of a Veteran, newly ADHD diagnosed, have had support from Open Arms for 20+ years, am a campaign organiser and had a really shitty thing happen earlier this year.

My Dad has had one foot in the grave since he went TPI, and we generally enjoyed a healthy banter considering my siblings and I were raised with his hair trigger temper, controlling and adversarial approach, including summary justice.

My mum was a nurse, then a nurse educator and over the years his abrasive “me first” attitude seemed to wear her down. I moved states in 2010 and I continued my close relationship with my folks.

To make a long story short, my youngest sibling had trauma in their teens, was supported by my folks, kept their distance, decided they wanted support again and just prior to my mum’s Alzheimers and Cardiopulmonary disease diagnosis - while Mum was trying to kindly evict them from my folks rental, re-engaged with dad. In short, they wanted their house, knew mum’s diagnosis was coming and inveigled their way into caring for mum through Dad.

My sibling was a very careful masker, they worked on another sibling and slowly isolated mum and dad.

I was not included in any decision discussions around my mum as she declined. I stayed a week at a time, my adolescent young adult kids would visit with me and we all saw the home care facade slip. My friends saw it, and we all were horrified trying to find a way to reach Dad to help mum.

She died in March, and after seeing the “care” she had at home, I went to a lawyer with my brother and we wrote to Dad and our siblings asking to just meet and talk because our only recourse was the state admin tribunal. I was notified of her death the day before their response was due. And after an emotional call from Dad telling me not to visit, he hasn’t spoken to me since.

Yes… truly, there is do much more I tried to do and that my youngest sibling did. But here we are and I’ve made peace with Mum’s death, and accepted my relationship with Dad and two of my four siblings is all over.

And speaking with one of my highschool besties, who is also the daughter of a Veteran, who supported me through my drama, she’s now terrified the same will happen to her mum because her Dad won’t listen and is abusive.

so…. My issue is, we need a trauma trained social worker who, much like in child protection, once notified through DVA, can intervene and make recommendations for more support and intervention. Both our Dad’s are untreated… have never sought therapy, never used meds to treat their underlying CPTSD.

For Veterans, who are not “broken” yes, there are supports available in ageing. But where are the supports for families of Veterans who go straight to their fight trauma, isolating themselves and their vulnerable partners, when they won’t even acknowledge there’s a problem? I was a wreck with worry about mum, and trying to work with my Dad who had my sibling whispering behind him not making his mental health a priority. My friend and her sisters are now a wreck.

I’m keen to hear others stories, where you need to have a Psychologist CO to help manoeuvre them around the challenges, so you don’t burn out and crash.