Complex trauma and OCD

Content warning- negligence, trauma, abuse

I have the vague feeling that medication gives me. I know I've just suffered a major trauma. I know everything's on fire. But the medication just flattens everything. I have a real and rabbid fear that trauma will make me an abuser like my family. Apparently I have harm OCD which I was just diagnosed with and that means I have a severe and pathological fear of harming others. Apparently that means having Apparently that means I would never harm someone because OCD is the opposite of who you are. However, on Monday, I had my second session targeting what we call OCD land. And I was learning about how the thoughts that come from OCD land are generally not true. We were doing this in relation to a support worker I had, who I thought was really safe and who was good to me. At that time, I felt really concerned that this person was going to really rapidly up and leave because she had been in the past week quite flaky. We couldn't pin her down for any support sessions. I woke up the next day to find out that she had instigated a very severe traumatic event towards my dad and I. That the thoughts coming from OCD land were actually like pretty, pretty true. We're no longer seeing each other. And my psych has had to put in an emergency application into AHPRA to complain about her. I'm feeling my distress levels rising again, so I thought I would just express how I'm feeling and ask for some messages of support and not aloneness. I don't know if other people have experienced this, but sometimes I feel like things have been designed to cause me the maximum level of harm. I know that's not a positive belief, and I really don't want anyone pointing that out. It's what my experience has been. I just want people to trust that that experience is really real, and it's a very significant part of my trauma. I'm showing up right now in the hopes of connecting with some safe enough people where I can be honest about how badly I'm doing right now. I want to reach out to a couple of family friends to get some support, but I'm worried they're going to think I'm crazy. My mother has circulated that. I don't really want to talk about it. So I don't know if it's safe to reach out to her. I just feel like every pathway I could take to try and stabilise my life has been blocked. I'm now having to look at more practitioners to bring on. With the severity of the treatment trauma that I've experienced, it's hard to imagine anyone will treat me with respect and decency. Given the severity of the interpersonal trauma I've experienced, it's hard to imagine anyone will treat me with respect and dignity. I'm someone who's always been really optimistic. I was a motivational speaker for a while. But the constant erosion of trauma, wave after wave after wave hitting me, has left me feeling so broken that I can't imagine ever rebuilding. Not because I can't try, but because I feel that whatever I build is just going to be knocked down again. And so there's just no point in trying. It's just pointless. My dad is one the phone to local mental health services and they werent in the slightest bit trauma sensitive or trauma safe. My psych told me to contact them. I told her upfront I had severe trauma and her response was 'yep. So I have questions...' and then continued on. I can't believe it. I was brave. I reached out for support knowing what the system is like and I got treated like shit again. So if anybody has any words of comfort and support, I'd really appreciate them today as I run yet another marathon trying to find safety.