Struggling

Well I haven’t posted on here in a while, I guess you could say a lot has changed in every way. I have been admitted into hospital twice since April.

After the first time, coming home I was okay but I think I masked how I really felt but eventually I started to noticed that not much had changed. I was still struggling, so I advocated for myself and I got readmitted.

This admission I was officially diagnosed with ADHD, which honestly came as a shock and I’m still trying to figure that out. I didn’t believe my past medications were working so I wanted to change them. That process in hospital was probably one of worst experiences I have been through. I felt paralysed by fear, that’s the only way I can explain. I didn’t want to leave my hospital room but it did get better eventually. There was moments in that period that I thought I can’t do this, I’m not strong enough, it’s too hard, I just wanted to go home and I don’t want to do this even though initially I was the one advocating for the medication changes.

I was in hospital for nearly 6 weeks, probably in the last week and half you know people started noticing improvements even I did with my mood but there was still things that won’t get better most of them are physical. My body has been in so much constant anxiety that physical I think it just shuts down.

I wanted to go home but now that I’m home, I have gone backwards well at least I feel like I have. I have emetophobia, health anxiety, GAD, panic attacks, MDD and ADHD. My anxiety and emetophobia (fear of vomiting and nausea) has always been the worst, it’s debilitating for me. I think what’s worse is that I don’t know anyone who has that fear or who understand what’s actually going on in my head. When I talk about it, I honestly feel stupid, I feel like even professionals and everyone looks at me like I’m a idiot, even if they don’t say it, I can hear them say, well no one likes vomiting it’s not nice. Logically, I do know that but it doesn’t help to hear because it makes me feel worse. I have been home for a week, my Mum spoke to my doctor and she said you know you have to use the strategies that you learnt and that I will have good and bad times but honestly that just made me angry to be honest. I think I will go up and down but I thought I got through the worst part but now this feels harder because I don’t want to be in a hospital forever, I don’t want to be stuck at home but I feel alone like it’s all on me. It makes me think that changing medications was a bad idea, it’s like everything is going backwards. There are moments, I just want to sleep but ,even that’s impossible sometimes, and curl up in a ball.

When I say this to anyone, family, friends and even professionals you know they say your not alone and yes I know I have their support but there not me, they can’t see inside my head, they can’t feel the dread and panic that I feel from moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. They can’t feel the nausea whenever I eat, they tell me I have to eat and I know that but sometimes I rather not eat then sit there feeling nauseous, but not because I’m sick but because I can’t get my nervous system to settle. It gets to a point where I rather vomit because the nausea is that uncomfortable. I just think how in the world to people fall in love and have children because I can’t cope now so will that ever happen for me.

I feel like a burden to everyone. Yesterday it was my birthday well it was meant to be lol but I just didn’t want it. I didn’t want to celebrate anything, I honestly didn’t see a point. I just had anxiety all day, a sense of dread and fear that I was going to die or something was seriously wrong with me. Constantly in tears and state of anxiety and on going panic. I think I felt pressure that I had to be okay, it was also hard because you get all these beautiful messages and people telling you to have a great day because it’s your birthday but it know that you are struggling so much, it feels heavy. I also felt like I let down my family because they have so much love for me, they just want to see me happy. They wanted to give me my present and show me you know love but I feel in me that I didn’t think I deserved it because look at me and how miserable I am.

Im just struggling because I keep waking up in panic, my heart is pounding, my mind is racing, I can’t focus on the present, I’m worried about what will happen in the next couple of hours, days, weeks or months. I know I shouldn’t worry like that and everyone tells me that but it’s hard to turn it off, there’s no switch. I wish there was but I know it just takes effort and time. I guess that’s where I’m lacking, I’m lacking the energy and ability to try, to try to do something to help because I feel hopeless, broken, lost and stuck. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but you know when you see people you grew up with and are your age, they are travelling, studying, in love, getting engaged, some having babies and honestly just living the life they want to live. I just don’t see any of that for me. I want it, I want to feel better, I want to enjoy my life in the good and bad times, I want to handle my emotions better. I know life isn’t perfect, I don’t want that but I just want it to be better in some way. There’s always something pulling me back into that dark place, right now it’s the depression, it’s not being able to eat no matter how hungry I might feel, it’s all the pains and aches in my body especially my stomach as I have gastritis but from what doctors have told me it’s the stress and the overload of anxiety. Also recently been told it could be IBS which has been frustrating because I’m more afraid of food and how my body will react. I don’t even know what I should eat.

Theres no way, anyone is gonna read this because it’s that long but I guess I just want to know is there hope, does it get better, is there anything that has helped you, has anyone ever been through the inability to eat because of mental illness. Like a lot of people, you feel like you are the only one, I know that not true I literally met people hospital in all kinds of situations but when you take that away and you are left with your own thoughts and feelings, and when the ongoing professional help like nurses, psychologists, groups and understanding from others who some you are only just meeting is all taken away, it’s hard, it’s isolating, it’s the transition that I’m really struggling to handle. I just don’t get it because I wanted to come home but from research and stuff you know they say it’s not easy, but should it be this hard. I just want to stay home at this point.