How do you support someone you love while protecting your own mental health?

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I think my partner of three years may be experiencing psychosis or another serious mental health condition, and I’m really struggling to cope emotionally. He doesn’t believe he needs psychological help, and I feel like I’m reaching the point where I don’t know what to do anymore.

He hasn’t been diagnosed, and I know I can’t know for certain what’s happening. I also believe he has significant childhood trauma, and over the past year I’ve seen dramatic changes in his thoughts, emotions and behaviour that have left me deeply worried.

He believes he’s being persistently hacked across multiple devices and that he’s being targeted by organised groups involving government agencies or corrupt police. Recently, while we were staying at a friend’s house, he became convinced people were hiding in the bushland outside. He spent hours searching for them during the day and night, talking to people he believed were there, despite no one else being able to find or hear anyone. Experiences like this have become increasingly common.

I love him very much, and all I want is for him to get help. At the same time, I’m beginning to question whether staying in the relationship is healthy for either of us. I haven’t spoken to him about these thoughts because I’m terrified he’ll feel abandoned when he needs support the most.

I also live with bipolar II and borderline personality disorder, so I know I’m not bringing unlimited emotional resources into this situation. The constant stress has affected me enormously. I’m worrying about him almost all the time, and our relationship has become increasingly strained because what he believes is happening has become part of our everyday life.

We’ve been arguing more than ever. When I become overwhelmed, I sometimes react in ways I’m not proud of. I can become distressed, yell, or need space to calm myself down. He finds conflict very triggering because of his childhood, but he also struggles to respect my need for space or to pause conversations about what he believes is happening. We both end up hurting each other, and I hate that.

One of the hardest parts is that he tells me that if I loved him and trusted him, I would believe what he’s telling me. He says that because of my own mental health, I don’t have the right to question him, and that if I don’t see what he sees it’s because I haven’t researched enough or I’m not perceptive enough. I know he genuinely believes what he’s saying, but hearing that leaves me feeling incredibly guilty, hurt and confused.

I feel like he expects me to spend hours researching gang stalking, stay awake with him while he watches outside, and help him investigate what’s happening. I know he feels alone, and I hate feeling like I’m letting him down by not being able to do those things. At the same time, I feel like I’m slowly losing myself and becoming increasingly unable to cope.

I’m trying to find the balance between being a loving, supportive partner and recognising that I can’t carry someone else’s recovery on my shoulders.

For anyone who has supported a partner or loved one through severe mental illness:

• How did you cope with the constant worry?
• How did you know when it was time to step back, if you ever did?
• How do you support someone without becoming responsible for their recovery?
• If you also had your own mental health challenges, how did you look after yourself while caring for someone else?
• Is there anything you wish someone had told you earlier?

I’m seeing a psychologist fortnightly and I’ve recently started connecting with carer support groups because I know I need support too. I really want to do the right thing for him, and for myself too, but right now I honestly don’t know what that looks like.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any advice or experiences would mean a lot to me.