perpetually unprepared

I'm leaving tomorrow morning to go interstate for a week, I still need to pack my suitcase but I am . So incredibly scared.

I'm scared about leaving my partners behind, even though I know they'll be fine. I'm scared of leaving my house- my parents have booked my ex who well abused me to petsit. I've taken my lizard to my QPR's house, only to get a message the next day that he's got a respiritory infection and he's going to the vets. I've got one of my cats at my grandmothers house, only to get a call from the vets this morning saying she's severely anemic and it's worsening each day.

I feel trapped in paranoid grief every day, convinced everyone I care about is going to leave me some day. I hoard their clothing so if they DO leave, at least I have a say in it. Except that hasn't worked. I have so many things belonging to people who hate me now, and whenever I dare look at those items I just hate myself and who I am.

I'm terrified that something will happen while I'm gone, while I can't control the situation. That someone will leave or something will be taken.

I don't want to fall back into my disordered eating habits, I really don't. But it's so tempting, to guarantee control over just one thing. I'm keeping my partners in the loop about these thoughts, so nobody here needs to worry about that.

I'm starting a new job when I get back home. I haven't worked in a year (thank the heavens for DSP) due to debilitating anxiety, and I'm so scared of that anxiety coming back, especially because my parents know the owner and his wife, and if anything happens I know it'll get back to them somehow and then they'll be all in my business again. I change my passwords so often, even though I keep everything completely locked away, because what IF someone, somehow, manages to get into my room. Into my devices. Into my life, my secrets, my world.

Sorry for the massive rant. I think I needed it.

Hi @wateravoidant

no need to apologise for "rant" we're all here to help however we can. Even if it's just an outlet for you to vent.

Changing passwords regularly is important and you may be surprised how effective it is.

Worrying about what might happen can be all consuming and even prevent us from trying new things so good on you for starting a new job.

Please continue to reach out when you need to.

Go gently ✨️ Taali

It feels like every month atp I'm having a pregnancy scare aha

I'm on the pill so my boyfriend and I don't use protection but I'm thinking I might start getting us to use it as well just to avoid the anxiety.

I'm just so scared all the time. I'm so sick of having whatever form of anxiety this is.

Being unwell is so lonely. Trapped in bed or in the bathroom for an unknown amount of time. Nobody to talk to in the meantime.

I woke up sick today. I think I stole the flu off my dad. I don't deal well with sickness.

I didn't turn my PC on until 10pm, usually it's the first thing I do after taking my meds. Which didn't happen until almost 1pm.

I've spent most of my day playing Egg Inc. and my phone got down to 1% without me noticing until I got a notification and went OH SHIT and plugged it in.

I've spent a couple hours hunched over the toilet to no avail, and I still don't feel quite 100%, but I'm able to sit up again now.

My only plan today was to draw, and I haven't. And I feel so horrible about it. Drawing used to be such an escape for me, an easy thing to do anytime, but now it feels like so much effort.

I hate being sick.

Hi @wateravoidant

I’m sorry you’re feeling so unwell today. Being sick can feel really isolating, especially when you’re stuck in bed or feeling awful and there’s not much you can do except wait for it to pass.

I can understand why not drawing has felt upsetting, especially when it’s something that has been such an important escape and comfort for you.

Try to be gentle with yourself today. Sometimes our bodies need us to put things on pause for a bit, even when our minds are telling us we should be doing more

I hope you start feeling a bit better soon. Hopefully you can get back to drawing when you have a little more energy

@Nala2022 sorry for leaving you on read for a week!!

The sentiment of my body needing a break is a very common one for my friends, but unfamiliar to me.

Before I left for my interstate trip, I brought my pet lizard to my best friends house so he could pet sit for me. (He's doing perfectly well now, was just a single day snotty nose that cost me $170 to get checked, attention seeking beast /aff). I've realised in the time not having him here that I really, truly, do not look after him properly. I dont have the energy to look after him. I forget to feed him, to check his water, to interact with him. He barely gets any sunlight. I've been treating him horribly, and I feel horrible about it.

So I spoke with my friend about him keeping him. For good. And we both agree it'd be for the best. One of my friends lizards of the same species is actually his mate, so they'll be able to spend more time together too. Whenever they get seperated they both get depressed, and it's so sad to see.

As much as I love him, I know the right thing to do will be to rehome him with his partner. It's almost breeding season too, so hopefully we'll have some baby lizards soon.

On the bright side, in moving him out I'll get a large portion of my bedroom back. I'm thinking that I'll move my figurine shelf to where the enclosure is currently, and I'll get my microphone stand out of storage and set it up again. I think if I'm handling TAFE and work well, I might look in to getting a bird or something so I can have a pet in my room again- one that makes so much noise I can't possibly ignore them. My partner keeps birds, and I love sitting in their living room and listening to them all chirp away happily. I want to make sure I can look after them properly, though. I want to try and train them to be handleable, and sit on my head while I'm at my desk, etc etc. Birds are so cool.

I had a really rough BPD night last night. My splits barely ever last through till the morning, but this one did, and it really worried my boyfriend. He was out at dinner with his other partner last night, at a resturant close to mine, and I was not dealing with it well. I was already having a low energy day, and I was entirely home alone, and then my other partner was busy, and I slept through lunch and dinner wasn't until almost 10pm, so hanger and loneliness and bpd all mixed together and I . struggled through it. No relapse!! Go me !!!

This morning I got up around 11am, took my meds and played my game (still Egg Inc., highly reccomend), and looked at my webcam and realised that I hadn't showered in over a week. So I went and did that, even used body wash which I never do, and felt so much better afterwards. I've since tidied a lot of my room, I still have two shelves in my wardrobe that are covered in mess. Probably a job for tomorrow.

Hi @wateravoidant, no need to apologise at all!

It sounds like you've had a lot going on. I just wanted to say that I think the decision you've made about your lizard comes from a place of love and care. That can't have been an easy decision, but it sounds like you're putting his wellbeing first, and I hope that gives you some comfort. And a huge go you for getting through such a difficult BPD night without relapsing. That's a really big achievement, even if it didn't feel like it in the moment

I also wanted to say well done for showering and tidying your room. Sometimes those things can take so much energy, and it sounds like you listened to what your body needed. One step at a time is more than enough.

I hope today is a little gentler for you 😊