@heartathome @Appleblossom @Enkeli69 @Realness @Lozenge @Shaz51
My 4th sessions today. i was in a much better mood when i came in 6 on the scale double that of the day before. The treatment went fine. It seemed a little longer and more powerful than yesterday. i end-up with slight head ache. i done some shopping before treatment so i went straight home.
.
i still had some anger, but like this morning more controlled than yesterday however nausea came with it now.
.
After about a hour after treatment my mood had dropped rapidly. Hovering a low 5 going towards 4. i was feeling tired and the first sad and hopeless emotions had just began. Also this persistent loud zooming in my ears was annoying me (still does).
.
No more sour gut so far. i did eat some canned sardines and had a cuppa. The nausea was very mild then, but had not gone away yet like now. Drained and feeling that this was never going to work began in earnest Even though i did not agree but felt like that any how.
After spending a hour in bed in the dark, to help my brain calm down the overload of the TMS. My mood has dropped well into the 4 now. My thoughts have been bombarded by thoughts of despair, hopelessness, give up for why go on, iḿ wasting my time, no one cares about me, deepest sadness welling, as well as feelings of how unfair everything was and being how i felt targeted.
.
It is still going on and very unpleasant. However all this time, and although these are the common thoughts and feelings accompanying my deepest depressive times (1,2) i have had no longings to die or to end it. Not even once!
.
Also the anger has completely gone now and i feel more calm watching my emotions tumble through me. Although thoughts like this used to enrage me and drive me even deeper only just a week before. Even this morning driving home after treatment there was still same anger like that left over from yesterday. So far no more. However i could not sleep or even snooze i bed. i mainly let the thoughts and feelings just come by, some prayer when i saw i was more stuck there yet.
.
Amazing how all these feelings can be so strong without activating feelings that drove me nuts only yesterday. It seems paradoxical. Unpleasant but not dangerous. Considering the last 4 month and much these kind of thoughts i have now triggered me suicidal it is encouraging rather than devastating.
.
Faith wise i have also met a challenge today at level 4 depression i often find it hard to connect the more difficult moments, of even feel Jesus is with my tormentors and not me. Yet today my prayers were fro us all, not just my wife and me. A far more balanced outlook on the situation not just my own suffering as only concern. Although still wobbly i was very encouraged to see that. For that is how my prayers used to be before this drama unfolded but as the suffering increased my focus became more and more myself.
.
Strange how much such effects our faith life.
A poem about the rage that the TMS is loosing rewritten from an earlier poem (2010) that describes how i felt about rage taking me over in state. Yesterday, and later this afternoon again this happened like never before and left me often badly shaking and totally wiped out behind. Full on treatment TMS, not for the faint hearted.
.
I Hate Evil Good!
Hateful currents burning life to waste,
Passing dark judgements with a deadly haste.
Fuelling fires that set the soul ablaze,
Wrongful words incinerating every gaze.
Disrespectfully tearing my Goodness down,
Evil snatching my light, my golden crown.
Burning hate ravening my good life within,
Coldly befriending the doers of sin.
Obliterating my peace a hollow, deadly deed,
As strangling forces on my lifeblood feed.
Seeking my demise, demanding I give in,
To eradicate what is so precious within.
But I will not forever suffer their crime;
I know hate and evil will run out of time.
Let darkness face the fire instead of me.
The wicked frying in their own iniquity!
