Struggles with psychosis and grief

Dear all,

The worst part of being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder six years ago is that it was diagnosed following a very painful breakdown in a relationship where I realised I was bisexual, as a woman attracted to another woman instead of just being attracted to the man I was in a relationship with at the time.

The delusions and erratic behaviour from me that followed were all centred around me following car number plates, car colours, signposts, people talking about me, references in books and news etc etc about finding my way back to her. After she told me to stop or she'll call the police on me, I became very afraid that I was guilty of a terrible crime.

I somehow suppressed the worst of the memories of that terrible time after initial hospitalisation and medication and managed to form a much healthier relationship with a different woman for the last 2.5 years. Recently our relationship has become strained because I've been depressed due to a combination of physical and mental health challenges I've faced in quick succession recently. My partner has really been struggling to cope with my mood and behaviour, and we have lost the fun and spark that once marked the beginning of our relationship.

One of the repeated delusions I have is feeling like nobody believes me and feeling like the world is constantly mirroring all my faults, and in this recent breakdown I'm feeling, it feels like all the trauma of the past breakdown is rushing back to me in terms of bad memories about everything I didn't do to save the last relationship I had, such as seeking couples counselling and such as having honest conversations about how things were going wrong instead of burying my head in the sand.

And I guess I feel like I'm trying to atone for all those mistakes in my current relationship because I could see the past repeating itself and I'm desperate to stop it from happening again because the first time destroyed almost everything in my life.

I am going to seek couples counselling for my partner and I, I have been in therapy with a regular psychologist for the past year, I restarted medication with a drug more tolerable for my body compared to previous medications with my psychiatrist. I don't really know what more else I can do because everytime I bring up grief and trauma my treating team haven't been keen to discuss it in great depth and focus on all my other issues (which are valid and deserve attention too) but I've been having so many trauma triggers in public places so I know I'm not okay and I just wish they listened to me better and started exploring help for that aspect instead of thinking I'm just making up another problem for myself like Mauchausen Syndrome.

The woman I loved in the past pushed me to be a better person today, but she isn't here in my life right now. I'm trying to move on with the second chance I've been given with my current partner but now I feel like I'm stuck all over again in the same situation where I have competing feelings for two people at the same time and it's interfering with the primary relationship I have right now, except this time the person of the past is out of the picture of my life (for now).

I don't know. I hate it. I don't know what to do. Thank you for reading if you got this far.