Offensive Comments by a Family Members

I’m looking for support and perspective about my sister’s behaviour because it has been affecting my mental health for a long time. She has a pattern of making comments that are racist, xenophobic, transphobic, lesbophobic, ableist, and generally hostile. These aren’t isolated incidents. They form a consistent pattern that leaves me feeling unsafe, invalidated, and constantly on edge.

She often makes sweeping generalisations about migrants, international students, and people from non‑Western countries. She’ll say things implying migrants “take advantage” of systems, that international students use “fraud” or “dishonesty” to get permanent residency, or that certain ethnic groups are “easier to control” or “don’t know any better.” She has said that multicultural spaces aren’t “real culture,” and she reduces workers from non‑Western countries to stereotypes instead of acknowledging their agency or skills. She frequently sends me articles or videos and uses them as a springboard to launch into negative commentary about migrants or people of colour.

She has also made comments about LGBTQ+ people, including about my own identity, that are invalidating, dismissive, or moralising. She has questioned the legitimacy of my gender, made demeaning remarks about queer people, sexualised or mocked lesbian relationships, and used my identity as a point of attack during arguments. She often frames these comments as “just being honest” or “saying what no one else will say,” which makes them even harder to deal with.

On top of that, she has used ableist slurs toward me, even though she knows I have a neurological condition. She has mocked my disability, dismissed my symptoms, and treated my needs as inconveniences. These comments are often delivered casually, as if they’re harmless, but they aren’t harmless to me.

She also shows a general disregard for my emotional and psychological safety. She minimises traumatic experiences I’ve had, escalates normal conversations into moral lectures, and makes extreme comparisons that feel shaming and disproportionate. She frames my choices as unethical or ignorant, and she often positions herself as the only person who “understands” the world correctly. These conversations leave me feeling tense, drained, and emotionally unsafe — not physically unsafe, but like I have to brace myself.

A recent example triggered all of this. She sent me an article about a well‑known doctor who passed away, and within seconds she turned it into a rant about immigration, international students, and migrants. She then moved into negative comments about a café that hires international students, and from there she shifted into a long lecture about how cruises are “colonialism,” how cruise workers are exploited, how I only enjoyed my holiday because it was “my culture,” and how I “wouldn’t go” on a Vietnamese cruise. She said anyone who disagrees with her is “dumb.” It escalated from a news article to a lecture about race, culture, exploitation, and morality. All directed at me.

Her behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable, invalidated, talked down to, judged, tense, and emotionally unsafe. It’s not just what she says. It’s the tone, the certainty, the moralising, and the way she positions herself as the only one who is right. I find myself bracing whenever she messages me, because I never know when a normal conversation will turn into a lecture about migrants, race, sexuality, disability, or my identity.

I’m not trying to diagnose her or label her. I’m not trying to “win” an argument. I just want to understand how to cope with this, how to protect my mental health, how to set boundaries, and how to stop feeling so drained and unsafe around her. If anyone has dealt with a family member who consistently makes discriminatory or demeaning comments, especially about race, sexuality, disability, or identity. I would really appreciate advice or support.