Advice from people who live with visible self harm scars

Hello @Rose2468 and welcome to the forums ☺️. Firstly, I'm glad to hear you are doing well now. That’s a huge achievement, and you should be proud of how far you've come.

I've found there's no "right" way to approach visible scars. Some days I feel comfortable wearing short sleeves, some days I don't. It's also dependent on where I'm going and the people I'll be around as. Some days i feel confident in myself and I'm not worried of being judged, other days I don't have that confidence so I choose to cover up.

If people ask, I usually keep it brief saying something like "They're from a difficult time in my life, but I'm doing better now." With children, something simple like "They're old scars and I'm ok now" is often enough. It's completely up to you how much you want to share, you don't owe anyone an explanation.

One thing that's helped me move from shame towards acceptance is realising that my scars are proof that I survived something incredibly hard rather than failure. Over time I've started to see my scars as part of my history rather than the thing that defines me.

Wishing you all the best as you navigate this. You're definitely not alone in finding it difficult, and it sounds like you've already come such a long way. Be gentle with your wonderful self ❤️.

Hey @Rose2468

I'm generally pretty open about the scars I have. If someone asks, I usually say something light-hearted like, "I had a misspent youth." Most of the time, people don't really care or make much of them.

The only time I might consider covering them is for something like a job interview. I guess I prefer people to get to know me first before we have a conversation about my scars. Mine are quite old now and have faded to a skin-coloured appearance, if that makes sense. Occasionally people ask if they're burns, but that's only because there are a lot of scars clustered together.

I did have a friend who chose to have some plastic surgery to reduce the appearance of some scars that formed writing, but honestly, I think most people rarely notice scars or comment on them. In my experience, we're often far more aware of them than anyone else is.

One thing I would say is try not to let thoughts about your scars restrict you too much. To borrow a famous quote: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do."

It has taken me a long time to get to that place myself, but these days I wear what is comfortable and practical for the weather. Most people are busy living their own lives, and the people who matter tend to see the person before they see the scars.

Hey @Rose2468, nice to emeet you here 😊. Your post had me thinking, it’s definitely a good topic as we often dont speak about these type of things collectively but I know I consciously think about it a lot by myself. So thanks for your post 🫶

I generally still die inside when anyone asks or points any out- heart skips a beat. Generally as the ones most visible have been there awhile so only randomly now do I get asked by people who don’t know (however reflecting on this, I do notice some people notice them at times and I think some don’t ask). To people I don’t know or children, I did come up with a story that I fell over a fence (with some added humour 😊), everyone seems to accept it so I just go with that now. With others that are closer and I think okay timing I’ll say what it was but always follow up with “all good now”😊.

I am cautious with what I wear, but I have just accepted that as how things are for me and I feel comfortable with my decision and limitations.

I also probably haven’t reached the stage of full acceptance from shame but maybe one day! Never say never 😊.

Definitely interested in your journey and will always be happy for a tag or chat. Thanks so much again for your post and although I couldn’t really help much (sorry) it was nice posting on a topic that I don’t often speak about 😊.

Take care, I hope you have a lovely weekend 🙏☀️

Thankyou @MissGremlin for your response! It's sooooo nice to hear from people who have similar experiences... sometimes I feel so alone with it. It was helpful to read that some days you feel more confident about showing your scars than others. I have this idea in my head that I need to be 100% ok ALL the time to show them otherwise I'm letting the scars 'win'... I dunno if that makes sense but I have this pressure on myself that to be 'recovered' means I need to be ok with showing them and to somehow reach a place where I don't care what anyone thinks. But maybe it's ok to have days where it's harder and on those days, to give myself permission to cover them. I like that you have flexibility around it... not hard and fast rules.

That's so amazing that you've been able to move from a place of shame to acceptance. I imagine that's required a lot of hard work and effort on your part, so I hope you are proud of yourself for being where you are! I need to keep working on reframing it like that. But it's nice to hear it's possible.

Thank you again for replying. Hope you have a wonderful day 🙂

Thank you @FridgeMagnet for your reply! It's so true that people would definitely not be noticing/thinking/judging my scars as much as I think they are. That's such a helpful reminder, thank you. I'm so highly conscious of it all when I'm wearing short sleeves and trying to hold my arms in positions that mean they're not as easily seen. It can be exhausting to always be monitoring my movements in this way. It's a nice break now that it's winter!

Thank you @Chasingsunsets for your reply - it was helpful! It's a relief to hear from others who have similar experiences. I'm glad that it's a useful topic for others as well. There must be so many of us out there all trying to work it out on our own.

I really like that part where you said you are comfortable with your decisions and limitations... I think I'm starting to realise that in order to be doing well at recovery I don't need to be totally carefree about showing them all the time. It's ok to be cautious and cover them when I want to... that's not a failure... it's probably going to be my reality... and that's ok.

Thanks too with sharing your responses to when people ask about them! I like getting ideas around that and I'm making a list of potential responses!

Wishing you all the very best. I really believe it's possible for us to get to a place of acceptance one day 🙂

You're so welcome @Rose2468. I know exactly what you mean about feeling pressure to be 100% ok with showing your scars all the time. It completely makes sense, some days I look at my scars and get so down on myself but then I remind myself of how far I've come and that I need remember to be gentle with myself when I'm feeling fragile/vulnerable.

For me, choosing to cover my scars some days isn't about letting them win but it's about listening to what I need in that moment. Some days I have the energy and confidence for them to be visible knowing that i might need to answer questions or deal with people looking, and other days I simply don't want to.

I think it's important to remember that acceptance isn't always a straightforward, there can still be moments where things feel uncomfortable and that's ok. The fact that you're reflecting on these things and challenging those feelings of shame already shows a lot of insight and growth.

Thank you for your kind words aswell. It hasn't always been an easy journey and I'm still very much learning. It's only been a few months that I've been clean and there's still intense moments but I'm getting better at using distractions to get through the tough moments.

Know that you're not alone here and it's a safe space to talk about things. Wishing you all the best and be kind to yourself along the way ❤️.

@Rose2468 mine aren't visible so no one has asked me, bt i dont know what id say, probably just i was having a rough time, but id still find it upsetting to talk about. i undersand the struggle.

Evening @Rose2468 ☀️, how’s your day been?

Yess I agree with what you said about we will all get there for sure!

I’d love to hear what else you may learn about this topic and how the process goes for you. I definitely connect with how much anxiety it brings with people who happen to notice our scars, but again have found it super helpful to chat about it 🫶 again feel free to tag me anytime 😊

And yes definitely no failures, all about what you feel comfortable with 💜, you got this 🙏

https://www.indigodaya.com/projects/slice/

might be interesting @Rose2468 @Chasingsunsets @MissGremlin @FridgeMagnet