Trying to transform a dysfunctional relationship

Hey @noselftolose

It takes great courage to speak openly about these dynamics, and it is completely understandable that you are feeling confused and exhausted. What you are describing is incredibly complex, and your confusion is a very natural response to an environment where the rules and boundaries keep shifting 💚

Your realisation a few years ago that you can't alter your behaviour enough to prevent her volatility is a profound and accurate insight. When someone carries deep-seated trauma, their emotional triggers are internal. While it is compassionate of you to acknowledge her painful history of abuse and addiction, it is important to remember that understanding the root of the behaviour does not mean you have to accept the impact of it. You cannot fix or manage this trauma for her.

The shift in your intimate relationship is a concern. You set a clear, responsible boundary regarding the timeline of expanding your family, stating that you need to see sustainable change first. Attempting to negotiate pregnancy during intimacy, or using physical "dead weight" to hinder your ability to withdraw, represents a significant violation of your autonomy and consent. Your reaction of pushing her away in a moment of panic was a protective response to a crossed boundary; it was not an act of aggression. It is entirely valid that you felt unsafe in that moment.

Her accusation today that you were being physically aggressive is a highly confusing dynamic, and to me, it kind of sounds like DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offernder). By focusing entirely on your reaction rather than her actions that caused it, the narrative shifts. This effectively places you on the defensive and diverts attention away from the initial boundary violation. Recognising this pattern can help you hold onto your reality when you feel yourself beginning to doubt it.

You are currently dealing with a profound level of relational stress, particularly around a life-altering decision like having a child. Your instinct to pause and require radical change before moving forward is incredibly sound.

Please continue to trust your perception of these events. Because these dynamics can deeply erode your sense of clarity over time. I really recommend that you see a therapist or counsellor just for yourself. You deserve a dedicated, safe space to untangle and process everything, and decide what healthy boundaries look like for your future 💚

Hi @noselftolose

I am sorry you are going through this. Loving someone with personality disorders is extremely difficult. Like someone else here I agree with the DARVO model, which is a manipulative tactic and it can really play a nasty trick on you, where you actually start believing that you are the bad guy.

Her rage sounds more like wrath, where she is willing to punish you for not giving her what she wants and this is dangerous. She is keeping you both stuck in a dysfunctional pattern with that intense love and then wrath when she doesn't get what she wants.

It's not an ideal situation to be in and I can understand that you love her, but eventually this situation will wear you down. Transforming your relationship can only happen when the manipulation stops. A narcissist will never accept accountability for their behaviour especially when they are wrong and your level of empathy does nothing more than feed her ego. Do you have a therapist? Family or a group of friends that can support you?

As an adult raised by a narcissistic mother and passive father, it may be best to leave and never go back. I saw what my mother did to my father, twisting his values to the point where he would act on whatever she wanted and, in the end, I was the child who paid the ultimate price, and damage like that is really hard to live with and harder to heal from.

Look up Toxic Empathy - where the level of empathy you give is so high, that it wears you down and changes who you are as a person. It messes up your values and the worst part your identity, who you really are and how you see yourself as a person.

I am so terribly sorry to hear that you are going through this.