The messiest situation possible. Of course.

Hi @JustWhelmed ,

This sounds like such an incredibly complex and exhausting situation to be navigating, especially whilst trying to balance concern for your partner, the kids, your own wellbeing, and so many practical pressures all at once. It makes total sense to me that you're feeling overwhelmed and unsure of where to even begin with boundaries.

I'm really glad to hear you have counselling organised. It may also help to reach out to a GP or a trusted friend or support person so you're not carrying all of this alone between those sessions.

If you'd find it helpful, you're also welcome to let us know if you'd like us to email you some additional support numbers.

We're sitting with you, and you're never alone💙

~ @Honeymoon

Hey, @JustWhelmed. As you know, I've been following your situation, and I won't deny feeling a spike of indignation for you reading how things have progressed since. I know that kind of emotion won't help peaceably move you forward, however, but I thought you should know your struggle rouses my empathy.

The impact of such "threats", for want of a better term, are truly profound. We often centre focus on the person who is planning - as they ought to be taken seriously - but I want to appreciate the harm (usually in more ways than one) it can have on you and how equally serious that is. Especially at your mention of developing PTSD, this is not a matter to be taken lightly on your account.

I don't believe a "rental history" is needed to get you off the ground; usually a personal reference of how well you keep your home suffices in these matters. But now I feel you would be doing yourself a disservice not to separate sooner. Your partner's "ideas" are likely going to negatively contribute to your PTSD and you don't deserve to suffer further expense to your health. Nor should your children be exposed to these careless "plans". There is a true risk of their developing trauma.

Can you speak to any professionals privately (even the counsellor you mentioned) about avenues for separation?

Regarding boundaries, that depends upon what you are hoping will change in your current dynamic, if you don't mind giving us more clarity? I think, however, physically separating is an important foundational step, if possible.

You can also focus inward on your own boundaries with yourself, as it's something in your control while the rest might presently feel out of control. Are you still "rescuing" them? Are you managing their health? Are you slipping into old habits?

Changing from an enmeshed dynamic into an empowered one is a difficult transition, and it counts to be honest with yourself here. Ensure you are consistent with your values and honouring your needs, to minimise the toll being taken so you can protect your health. I can already see you are setting boundaries in some way and this is fantastic progress! I'm proud of you.

I would also like to caution you remember that those who say one thing and then another may be trying to control outcomes. I don't personally know your partner and don't wish to insinuate against them, but I would be wary of any manipulation happening here.

Can I also check in and see how you're doing at the moment?

Thanks @WretchedKid & @Honeymoon I appreciate your comments and support.

I have counselling this afternoon, where I will talk to my counsellor about where things are at. She has been good at helping me find clarity so far!

I want boundaries in place around what my partner tells me in terms of what I NEED to know (i.e. they have taken action to help our financial situation, updating something around the home as they are unemployed, recently medicated for their ADHD so FINALLY able to do some things around our home) vs untangling the many years of dependency on me. I think that's answered my own question to be honest! need to know vs them just telling me every single thought they have. I'm doing OK at not trying to solve their issues, making a conscious choice to focus on my own problems when I find myself ruminating on theirs.

THey have now explained/rationalised that their first reaction to anything hard is to end their life, and that they don't plan to do so in this situation. Which is good to hear, BUT they also keep saying "we will see where we are at in 6-12 months when I've found my feet", when I have said there is NO hope for us. So as soon as we can manage it financially, we absolutely HAVE to separate physically. It is just dependent on some lump sum payments we are expecting unfortunately.

I am doing pretty well in myself. Still working. Still parenting. Still doing things I enjoy. Just incredibly anxious and impatient for this to be over. My ex keeps reminding me that I have already grieved this relationship and moved on (mentally, I'm not dating haha) and they need time to get there too.

@JustWhelmed- Ah, I see... So you were hoping to get some distance from the covert dependency as well...

You sound to be on top of that, but if you wanted my suggestion, anything which makes you feel responsible or burdened is usually a good indicator that what they're sharing is tipping back into dependency, rather than being merely informative. Maybe you could consider in the moment whether this is the case to help you identify when to set the boundary or detach.

Hmm... Look, I'm biased because, as I've previously stated, enmeshment is familiar territory for me. But assuring they won't do anything and following up with keeping potential open despite your firm boundary, to me, sounds like behaviour I'd be wary of. Could be something you discuss with the psych for better direction.

It's really good to hear you are keeping on top of things despite all that's transpired. Don't forget to get some downtime to recharge, as I can only imagine this situation may be taxing.

Well things are actually worse, if that's possible. My stress levels are through the roof (I see my GP next week)

We are now in separate bedrooms, which literally makes no difference, but it's a start I guess.

My now ex partner emails/messages me constantly, literally when I get up at 5-6am there are messages, deleted messages and emails waiting for me. In counselling they agree that we need boundaries and to respect them but outside of that.... it's an actual nightmare.

They remember everything I have ever said and analyse it, run it through AI, and just constantly come at me about every little thing. I am not someone who yells or speaks unkindly, but I will admit I have done both (although "unkindly" is probably fairly subjective, I'm never intentionally mean) and am just at my wits end.

Most days I lose count of the messages, sometimes they're calm/normal but it ALWAYS turns into emotional/obsessive, then last night I stopped engaging in an argument about telling our kids (they told their sons, I said I wasn't in a good space to support them, they did it anyway and then told me it was horrible that I didn't help) then started another argument, i attempted to walk away so they followed me in to my room.

In their ultra logical, autistic mind they are being rational/logical, but it is always emotional, always trying to get me to agree or explain again or something... they don't know either.

I woke to a lengthy emotional email today, there's been 4 since, maybe 10 messages.

I can't move out yet, for complicated reasons I can't change, but while we are living together I also can't escape them.

Does anyone know of some apps we could use, so I can block their email and messenger and just communicate logistics until I can leave? I can't block them while we share a house/parenting kids/sharing bills unfortunately.

I'm making mistakes in my work constantly and can't concentrate because they are just RELENTLESS. They have said repeatedly to just tell them when they're getting worked up, and that they know they're super unwell, but yeesh.... they never stop, and it is EVERY DAY.

Hey @JustWhelmed ,

That sounds incredibly exhausting and overwhelming. It sounds to me like you're doing all you can to set boundaries in a really tough situation, and I can hear how much it's impacting your wellbeing, work, and ability to have space to breathe.

Thinking of you, and I hope your GP appointment next week provides some support and guidance. You're not alone and I'm glad you're reaching out.

~ @Honeymoon 💓

Hey @JustWhelmed. I was surprised to get your update, since it's been a while. It's awful to hear things haven't improved for you.

Not much advice I can offer beyond what I have, but I would like to validate you. The whole situation sounds unbearably distressing and a true test of your patience and character.

Ultimately, don't lose sight of the end: you are going to separate one day and that day is the light at the end of the tunnel.

No one deserves the abusive tactics, the guilt-tripping, the mental traps, and all the rest some people employ when they are desperate for control over a situation. And you can find some comfort in remembering the power is truly yours, depending on how you react.

Let them think they are logical. Let them think they are right and a better parent. Let them think they are in control. There's no point wasting your energy. They need that narrative to emotionally survive, and you need a different narrative and actions to survive yourself.

As I've said before, strict house rules are necessary in this situation. I would literally just block their email and number. You're already separated in the relationship, and forced to live together. I think you have that right to some personal space digitally. If they want to talk, there should be set times in the day they need to honour where discussions can take place.

That's what I would do, but it's really just an idea that you can consider as you may find it's not suitable.

I hope you take care of yourself despite everything. Their behaviour and nastiness is not your fault.

It always surprises me how much difference it makes to have someone to unload all of this to; I have just changed roles at work and my boss and I had always been each others confidants for 14 years! She has just been through the same situation but without the complication of kids. I have booked my in person counselling session next week and found more free sessions available to me at Carers SA. So grateful!

Your suggestions @WretchedKid are perfection. I acknowledge I find hard lines SO difficult, raised as a bit of a people pleaser and having walked on eggshells with my ex for so long, but I think your advice is the only way forward. 10 minute logistics chat each afternoon (so I know who I am feeding, where people are, if they will pick up my kids) and phone calls for emergency/kid logistics only.

Yesterday they told me they won't be doing ANY laundry or dishes, which they have been doing for maybe 5 months sort of regularly, because they don't get any dopamine from it (ahahha that slays me, who does!?!) and they have no reason to now we aren't together..... sigh.

It was a test to push me, because later they said actually they will do those things. It's frightening how manipulative they are being but calling it logic....

Lord, have mercy...

@JustWhelmed, it can be a challenge, but maybe this is an exact point in your life where learning how to set firm boundaries can really help you grow. I mean, if you can set them with a person this invasive and disrespectful, you can pretty much do anything, huh?

I find life kind of does that sometimes. Throws you a few obstacles to help you break cycles. Far better to take advantage than remain a victim trapped in the same patterns. Breaking free is empowering.

It's good to hear the resolution in your written voice about those afternoon check-ins. And it's great you limit phone contact to emergencies and hand-overs. I can only hope your ex respects that. If they don't, I feel like some consequence would help.

I hope things go well. Hopefully your therapist can assist you in finding successful ways to implement those strategies. And if possible, try to keep in contact with your former boss. If she's a true friend, I think she'd be happy to support you right now - and this situation kind of needs all the support it can get.