Trying to recover from narcissistic abuse.

My narcissistic partner of 4 years did it to me again. She cheated on me the first time at the end of year 3. Then begged me to take her back 3 months later after the it didn't work out with the guy she cheated with. I forgave her. She said she messed up. She still loved me. Had it good with me.

I took her back. 6 months later I catch her sending pics of herself in a bra to some random guy on snapchat.

I again confronted her. She again begged me not to leave, saying she messed up. To please forgive her. Blaming her borderline personality disorder for her cheating. Hurt herself in front of me. Cutting herself. Telling me she will keep going if I leave.

Saying she had a manic episode.

I again took her back.....

Then I noticed she was being distant. We argued about it she wanted space. I moved out for about a week. Then decided I had enough. Told her I was leaving.

She again begged me not to leave her. Started cutting my initials into her leg. Sending me pics and video of it.

Said she would keep going again.

I stayed and eventually moved back in.

She all of a sudden started claiming she had tourettes. Would hit me. At times making me bleed. Swear at me in public. All the while saying she was ticking from her tourettes. Which she never had.

Then I was soon in the routine of doing everything again. Looking after her 4 kids. None of them were mine but I loved them like they were my kids. They loved me too. I was cooking. Cleaning.

Paying for everything.

While she sat on her phone. Flicking through Facebook videos. And chatting with her male "friends".

The difference this time, she started going clubbing by herself. Camping by herself for days. Staying at her friends place for days. All while I stayed home looking after her 4 kids.

Apparently she was doing all those things for her "mental health".

Needing a break from the kids. And from me and my moods.

I only got upset because she did nothing. And was hardly home.

And I was paying for everything.

Again I spent thousands on her and the kids.

I got a small inheritance from my grandparents of $10,000.

All gone. She wanted furniture. Appliances. Clothing. Make-up. Jewellery.

Things for the kids. Going to hotels in the city. Clubbing. Buying drinks.

All I got out of the money was a TV. Two pairs of jeans and some shoes.

Then she breaks up with me. Because I can't stop having trust issues with her.

We were together since February last year.

The reason I don't trust her is she was disappearing all the time. Hiding her phone when I enter a room.

Changing her pin. Hiding text messages.

Of course I don't trust her. She cheated on me before.

She begged me to stay for what?!

To use me for my money. Baby sitting the kids. Cooking. Cleaning.

While she did what she wanted.

4 years of this all up.

Only to be tossed aside like trash.

I am shattered and broken.

When I was packing to leave, her 4 year old girl was grabbing onto my leg screaming "don't go daddy!" Crying.

It broke me.

Because I was the one who cooked for her and the rest of the kids. Bathed her. Brought them groceries. Did everything for the kids.

She said "mummy doesn't love us. She is always in her room. You love us daddy"

The kids hate her.

Towards the last couple of months she started seeing a male "best friend". Started bringing him to stay with us for days at a time with his 2 daughters.

Then she would go to his place and stay for days. Again for her "mental health".

I kept asking her if anything was going on between them. She said no. And I asked him. He said there wasn't too.

Then all of a sudden she kicks me out.

Claiming I wasn't trusting. I had anger issues.

Saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anybody for a long time.

We stopped talking.

A month later she started talking to me. Telling me she still loves me. That she doesn't want us giving up on each other.

I believed her. Her friend was staying in her house with his 2 girls. She was still claiming nothing is going on.

But she wouldn't allow me to go to the house. Or visit the kids. Telling me nobody knows we are talking again. That she needs time to tell everybody.

We started catching up outside her house. She started kissing me.

I brought her jewellery. Took her clubbing. Dinners. Helped her again with bills, groceries. Things for the kids. Fuel. Cigarettes etc

All under the impression we are working towards reconciliation. Because that's what she told me.

But I couldn't shake my gut feeling she was hiding something.

Until nearly 3 months later. I met her mother at her mother's work. She told me she was with her "best friend" since we broke up.

So all these months of telling me she loves me. She wants to work on us. Kissing me.

Going out together.

It was all while she was with this other guy!

I contacted her and told her I knew everything. That I found out the truth.

I sent her long messages confronting her about all her lies. All the things she told me. All the times she denied being with him. Making me apologise for ever thinking she was with him.

All of it. She at first denied it. Called me a narcissist. Said it wasn't true that she was always honest.

But then I showed her a screen capture of a conversation her mum sent me. Where her mum blasted her after I saw her. Asking her why she is playing with my emotions. When she is already in a relationship.

That was the final nail in the coffin. She couldn't deny it anymore.

But not once did she apologise to me. Not once did she ask forgiveness. Not once did she take any accountability for what she did.

She just said I was abusing her by confronting her.

Can you believe it?!!!

Asked me to leave her alone she is done.

Then a few weeks later messages me some random message about an ex female friend of hers that I know, and talk to.

Bad mouthing her ex friend. Telling me I shouldn't hang out with her.

And adding "I know you're angry with me. And probably don't want to know me. But i just wanted to let you know what's going on"

Trying to control who I hang out with. And yet again not acknowledging why I am angry with her. No remorse. Nothing.

Less than a week ago, I reached out to her because I was getting notifications from her eldest boys highschool. Telling me for the past two weeks since school has started he hasn't been attending. She was supposed have signed him up at another highschool nearby where she is living now with her new partner. But hadn't done anything.

I asked her to please inform the school that I no longer wanted messages sent to me.

She told me "you do it".

Then proceeded to mention she is doing an online nail tech course.

Which she had previously asked me to pay for when we were talking. I had refused. So I know it was her trying to show off. As if to say "look at how I'm improving myself".

Anyway I just said congratulations. And basically that was it.

She can message me about what she is doing. Yet she can't apologise or take any accountability for what she has done to me.

She was acting like nothing is wrong. I don't know who she is anymore.

I am shattered and broken! I miss the kids. And I am devastated she has cheated on me and lied to my face time and time again.

After everything I have done for her. Loved her unconditionally. Forgave her bullshit time and time again.

She kissed me and lied to my face about our future.

Every day is a struggle. Just last night I cried myself to sleep. She has hurt me more than anybody has ever hurt me before. I have never felt this kind of pain.

And she just goes on with her life like she did nothing wrong. Where is the justice in that?

Anyway something else that really hurt me recently too. Was the fact that I found out she got together with this so called best friend of hers within 8 days of kicking me out!

8 days!!!

It broke me. Because it means that all the times she spent at his place with his daughters. She was getting things ready to replace me. All while I looked after her 4 kids.

I feel lost. Alone. And devastated.