When Your Natural Gifts Become Your Biggest Challenge

@ccau_82

Many of your values are similar to mine. I value integrity, honesty and loyalty.

I think you have to believe in the way that you have raised your children whilst at the same time realising that they have their own values. Try as you might, you cannot force your values on them. You have to trust in the job that you have done so far. You can guide them but not force

@ccau_82

what a great question

for me when things don’t turn out how I feel they *should* my default position is to blame myself.
I did some work with my counsellor around why I’m the person trying to keep the peace and cause no drama to anyone else and I think it’s all related.
My values are also around kindness and curiosity so when others aren’t like that I feel it deeply.
I also think when we are talking about our own kids the rules go out the window - there’s so much extra stuff in the relationship that we aren’t even aware of so predicting or training particular behaviours is basically impossible.
My advice would be to be kinder to yourself. And remember that what works with clients will NOT work for your own children.
BUT… I felt similarly to you when my kids were younger. They are now adults and I can see all the greatness I have tried to instil in them is there - turns out I didn’t actually fail after all.

Thank you for such a thoughtful and vulnerable response, @Magpie22 ... Your insight about the self-blame default really resonates - that automatic "it must be my fault" when our values aren't reflected back is such a common pattern for those of us wired to take responsibility for others' emotional states.

The parenting paradox YES ~ this is so real and honestly, perfectly timed for me to read. These last two weeks with my partner away for work have been particularly challenging with my children. So many boundaries crossed while I'm trying to maintain presence and a values-based approach.

What you've named is something I don't think we talk about enough - that our own children activate unconscious material in ways that clients simply don't. The nervous system responds differently when it's 'our' child pushing limits because there's generations of attachment patterns, our own childhood experiences, and this deep biological imperative to keep them safe all colliding at once.

I've noticed my usual regulation tools sometimes feel completely out of reach when I'm in those intense parenting moments. The very skills that work beautifully in professional settings can feel impossible to access when your nervous system is flooded with "protect my child" activation mixed with "am I failing them?" anxiety.

Your reminder about the long view is so needed - that the seeds we're planting often aren't visible until years later. Sometimes trusting the process means accepting that we can't control the immediate outcome, only our commitment to showing up from our values even when everything feels chaotic.

Thank you for the reminder to be kinder to myself. That feels like medicine right now.